t offend? A ---- ignorant coachmaker, to leave his _house out_,
new-painted, at this time of night!"

CCI.--MEASURING HIS DISTANCE.

A BROWBEATING counsel asked a witness how far he had been from a certain
place. "Just four yards, two feet, and six inches," was the reply. "How
came you to be so exact, my friend?"--"Because I expected _some fool_ or
other would ask me, and so I measured it."

CCII.--VERY CLEAR.

"WHAT is light?" asked a schoolmaster of the booby of a class. "A
sovereign that isn't full weight is light," was the prompt reply.

CCIII.--BROTHERLY LOVE.

"AH!" said a conceited young parson, "I have this afternoon been
preaching to a congregation of asses."--"Then that was the reason why
you always called them _beloved brethren_," replied a strong-minded
lady.

CCIV.--EPIGRAM.

BY a friend of Sir Turncoat 'twas lately averr'd,
The electors would find him as good as his word!
"_As good as his word_," did you say, "gracious me!
_What a terrible scamp little Turncoat must be_!"

CCV.--MODEST.

IT has been said that a lady once asked Lord B--g--m who was the best
debater in the House of Lords. His lordship modestly replied, "Lord
Stanley is the _second_, madam."

CCVI.--A JOINT CONCERN.

A STUPID fellow employed in blowing a cathedral organ, said after the
performance of a fine anthem, "I think we performed very well
to-day."--"_We_ performed!" answered the organist; "I think it was _I_
performed, or I am much mistaken." Shortly after another celebrated
piece of music was to be played. In the middle of the anthem the organ
stopped; the organist cried out in a passion, "Why don't you blow?" The
fellow popped out his head from behind the organ, and said, "Shall it
be _we_ then?"

CCVII.--PROFESSIONAL.

AN editor at a dinner-table being asked if he would take some pudding,
replied, in a fit of abstraction, "Owing to a crowd of other matter, we
are unable to find room for it."

CCVIII.--A GOOD REASON.

A RICH peer resolved to make his will; and having remembered all his
domestics except his steward, the omission was respectfully pointed out
to him by the lawyer. "I shall leave him nothing," said the nobleman,
"because he has _served me_ these twenty years."

CCIX.--ON A BAD MAN.

BY imbecility and fears
Will is restrain'd from doing ill;
His mind a porcupine appears,