e."

"You don't know what trouble is. Try not supporting her."

WILLIS--"The Highfliers are going to give up their big house this
winter."

MRS. WILLIS--"You must be mistaken. I was talking with Mrs. Highflier
only yesterday."

WILLIS--"Well. I was talking with the mortgagee only this
morning."--_Puck_.

In a certain home-missionary movement every participant was to
contribute a dollar that she had earned herself by hard work. The
night of the collection of the dollars came, and various and droll
were the stories of earning the money. One woman had shampooed
hair, another had made doughnuts, another had secured newspaper
subscriptions, and so on.

The chairman turned to a handsome woman in the front row.

"Now, madam, it is your turn," he said. "How did you earn your
dollar?"

"I got it from my husband," she answered.

"Oh!" said he. "From your husband? There was no hard work about that."

The woman smiled faintly.

"You don't know my husband," she said.

"Before we were married, you used to send around a dozen roses every
week," said she.

"Roses are easy," replied he. "This week I'm going to send around two
tons of coal and a rib-roast."

LANDLADY--"That new boarder is either a married man or a widower."

PRETTY DAUGHTER--"Why, ma, he says he is a bachelor."

LANDLADY--"Well, I don't believe it. When he opens his pocketbook to
pay his board he always turns his back to me."

"Hicks promised to give his wife a dime for every one he spends for
cigars."

"How does it work?"

"First rate. You see we meet every day and he buys me the drinks and I
buy him the cigars."

DOMESTIC RELATIONS

HUSBAND (newly married)--"Don't you think, love, if I were to smoke,
it would spoil the curtains?"

WIFE--"Ah, you are the most unselfish and thoughtful husband in the
world; certainly it would."

HUSBAND--"Well, then, take the curtains down."

Willie's grandmother had come to visit them.

"Are you mamma's mother?" asked Willie by way of conversation.

"No, dear. I'm your grandmother on your father's side."

"Well," said Willie decidedly (he was an observing little fellow),
"all I got to say is you're on the wrong side."

SHE--"Just think of it! A few words mumbled by the minister and people
are married."

HE--"Yes, and, by George, a few words mumbled by a sleeping husband
and people are divorced."

Two friends met in the Strand the morning after an airplane raid.

"Any dam