GRATITUDE

At least one Washington debutante has candor and humor in large and
equal parts. Thus, her denial of a rumor that she was engaged:

"There is not a word of truth in it, but thank God for the report!"

"You did me a favor ten years ago," said the stranger, "and I have
never forgotten it."

"Ah," replied the good man with a grateful expression on his face,
"and you have come back to repay me?"

"Not exactly," replied the stranger. "I've just got into town and need
another favor, and I thought of you right away."

"Thankful? What have I to be thankful for? I can't pay my bills."

"Then, man alive, be thankful you are not one of your creditors."

GUARANTEES

"Say," said the man as he entered the clothing-store. "I bought this
suit here less than two weeks ago, and it is rusty-looking already."

"Well," replied the clothing-dealer, "I guaranteed it to wear like
iron, didn't I?"

HABIT

Before becoming a hotel clerk he had worked in a grocery store.

"Is Judge David Poggenburg stopping here?" asked an impressive-looking
stranger approaching the desk.

"No," replied the clerk with his most winning manner, "but--er--we
have something else just as good."

He was engaged to the daughter of a literary man. He was bold as a
wooer, but the veriest coward when it came to approaching the fair
one's father. So he waited outside the great man's study while the
"fayre ladye" did the tackling. In five minutes she was out again and
on her dress was pinned a slip of paper bearing the words:

"With the author's compliments."

"I took that pretty girl from the store home the other night, and
stole a kiss."

"What did she say?"

"Will that be all?"

The two American war correspondents were gazing at the conflict when
Winkletop caught sight of a gallant officer leading a charge.

"His face is strangely familiar," he said. "That Greek lieutenant, I
mean--"

"Yes," said Blithers. "He used to run the bootblacking stand in that
barber-shop over on Steenth Avenue and Umptyiph Street."

And just then the noble warrior dashed madly past, and, forgetting
himself under the excitement of the moment, turned and cried aloud to
his advancing troops:

"Next! Shine!"

And the indomitable phalanx moved steadily up the hill, giving the
enemy the worst polishing-off they had had since war was declared.

RELATIVE--"He is sleeping so quietly that I wonder if we will know
when the