ield was president of Oberlin College, a man brought
for entrance as a student his son, for whom he wished a shorter course
than the regular one.

"The boy can never take all that in," said the father. "He wants to
get through quicker. Can you arrange it for him?"

"Oh, yes," said Mr. Garfield. "He can take a short course; it all
depends on what you want to make of him. When God wants to make an
oak he takes a hundred years, but he takes only two months to make a
squash."

Doubtless the old woman in this story from the London Post will now be
able to enlighten her husband on a troublesome subject.

"Doctor," she inquired of a country physician, "can you tell me how it
is that some folks be born dumb?"

"Why--hem!--why, certainly, ma'am," replied the doctor. "It is because
they come into the world without power of speech."

"Dear me," remarked the woman, "just see what it is to have a physical
edication! I'm right glad I axed you. I've axed my old man a hundred
times that there same question, and all he would ever say was, 'Cause
they be.'"

PROFESSOR--"So, sir, you said that I was a learned jackass, did you?"

FRESHIE--"No, sir, I merely remarked that you were a burro of
information."

EFFICIENCY

After many trials and tribulations Mrs. Timson had managed to get a
"maid" of sorts.

"Now, Thurza," said she, "be careful about the water. We only use the
well water for drinking, as we have to pay a man to pump it. The rain
water is good enough for washing up and so on."

After tea Mrs. Timson asked:

"Did you remember about the water, Thurza?"

"Oh, yes, mum!" said Thurza. "I filled the kettle half full of water
from the butt and the other half with water from the well. I thought
the bottom half might as well be getting hot at the same time for
washing up after tea."

An elderly rancher took some fine Kentucky horses to the West in
the early sixties. He was proud of them, and justly so. The old
gentleman's son had once seen a teamster lock one of his wagon-wheels
in going down a declivity. This precaution appealed to the young
fellow's idea of "safety first." He duly reported the occurrence to
his father, and begged him to get a, lock-chain.

"My son," said the old gentleman, "if I ever send you out with a team
that can't outrun the wagon, let 'em go to hell."

SOLICITOR (to business man absorbed in detail)--"I have here a most
marvelous system of efficiency, condensed into one small v