tor can use
a word a yard long without anyone knowing what it means; but if the
editor uses one he has to spell it. If the doctor goes to see another
man's wife he charges for the visit but if the editor goes he gets a
charge of buckshot. When the doctor gets drunk it's a case of being
overcome by the heat and if he dies it's from heart trouble; when an
editor gets drunk it's a case of too much booze and if he dies it's
the jim-jams. Any college can make a doctor; an editor has to be
born."

Wanted, an editor, who can read, write and argue politics, and at
the same time be religious, funny, scientific and historical at will,
write to please everybody, know everything, without asking or being
told, always having something good to say of everything and everybody
else, live on wind and make more money than enemies. For such a man, a
good opening will be made in the "graveyard." He is too good to live.

Life in a newspaper office is one compliment after another. "You look
so funny when you think," observed the blandishing Miss Harriette
Underbill as she passed the given point known as our desk late
yesterday afternoon.

COUNTRY EDITOR (to new assistant)--"I shall expect you to write all
the editorials, do the religious and sporting departments and turn out
a joke column."

ASSISTANT--"What are you going to do?"

"Edit your copy."

EDUCATION

Education--the sum total of all the things we haven't been taught.

WILLIE (doing his homework)--"What is the distance to the nearest
star, Auntie?"

"I'm sure I don't know, Willie."

"Well, I hope, then, you'll feel sorry tomorrow when I'm getting
punished for your ignorance."

Henry was the neighborhood magistrate. He had been settling a dispute
between two blockaders. The one in whose favor the verdict was cast
was filled with admiration for the facility with which Henry made out
the papers.

"You are one of those 'read' men, ain't you Henry?"

"Yes, I kin read right smart," modestly admitted Henry.

"You been to school, ain't you?" With just pride Henry nodded his
head.

"I reckon you been through algebra!"

"Yes, I have," said Henry, "but it was night and I didn't see
nothing."

EMPLOYER--"For this job you've got to know French and Spanish, and the
pay is eighteen dollars a week."

"Lord, Mister! I ain't got no edication; I'm after a job in the
yards."

"See the yard-boss. We'll start you in at forty."--_Life_.

When James A. Garf