o' hearing." "His lordship wants to know what you will take?" asked the
counsel again, this time bawling as loud as ever he could in the old
lady's ear. "I thank his lordship kindly," the ancient dame answered
stoutly, "and if it's no ill convenience to him, I'll take a little warm
ale." (Roars of laughter.)--_English Paper._

BAD DINNER.

THEODORE HOOK, in describing a badly dressed dinner, observed that
everything was sour but the vinegar.

PRINTER AND DUTCHMAN.

SELDOM does a live Dutchman get the credit of more smart things than are
set down to him in this catechism that he puts to a journeyman printer.

A Dutchman sitting at the door of his tavern in the Far West, is
approached by a tall, thin Yankee, who is emigrating westward on foot,
with a bundle on a cane over his shoulder:

"Vell, Misther Valking Sthick, vat you vant?"

"Rest and refreshments," replied the printer.

"Super and lotchin, I reckon?"

"Yes, supper and lodging, if you please."

"Pe ye a Yankee peddler, mit chewelry in your pack, to sheat the gals?"

"No, sir, I am no Yankee peddler."

"A singin'-master, too lazy to work?"

"No, sir."

"A shenteel shoemaker, vat loves to measure te gals' feet and hankles
petter tan to make te shoes?"

"No, sir, or I should have mended my own shoes."

"A pook achent, vat podders te school committees till they do vat you
vish, shoost to get rid of you?"

"Guess again, sir. I am no book agent."

"Te tyfels! a dentist, preaking te people's jaws at a dollar a shnag,
and running off mit my daughter?"

"No sir, I am no tooth-puller."

"Prenologus, ten, feeling te young folks, heads like so much cabbitch?"

"No, I am no phrenologist."

"Vell, ten, vat the mischief can you be? Shoost tell, and ye shall have
te pest sassage for supper, and shtay all night, free gratis, mitout a
cent, and a shill of whiskey to start mit in te morning."

"I am an humble disciple of Faust--a professor of the art that preserves
all arts--a typographer at your service."

"Votch dat?"

"A printer, sir: a man that prints books and newspapers."

"A man vat printish nooshpapers! oh yaw! yaw! ay, dat ish it. A man vat
printish nooshpapers! Yaw! yaw! Valk up! a man vat printish nooshpapers!
I vish I may pe shot if I didn't dink you vas a poor old dishtrict
schoolmaster, who verks for notting and poards around--I tought you vas
him!"

TRUTH STRANGER THAN FICTION.

A NEW ORLEANS lady recently e