are fined five dollars for assault and battery on Mike
Sweeney."

"I have the money in me pocket, and I'll pay the fine, if your honor
will give me the resate."

"We give no receipts here. We just take the money. You will not be
called upon a second time for your fine."

"But your honor, I'll not be wanting to pay the same till after I get
the resate."

"What do you want to do with it?"

"If your honor will write one and give it to me, I'll tell you."

"Well, there's your receipt. Now what do you want to do with it?"

"I'll tell your honor. You see, one of those days I'll be after dying,
and when I go to the gate of heaven I'll rap, and St. Peter will say,
'Who's there?' and I'll say, 'It's me, Pat Malone,' and he'll say, 'What
do you want?' and I'll say, 'I want to come in,' and he'll say, 'Did you
behave like a dacent boy in the other world, and pay all the fines and
such things?' and I'll say, 'Yes, your holiness,' and then he'll want to
see the resate, and I'll put my hand in my pocket and take out my resate
and give it to him, and I'll not have to go ploddin' all over hell to
find your honor to get one."

KIND FATHER.

AN old gentleman says, he is the last man in the world to tyrannize over
a daughter's affections. So long as she marries the man of _his_ choice,
he don't care who she loves.

DESTROYING THE ROMANCE.

A CAPITAL story is told of a young fellow who one Sunday strolled into a
village church, and during the service was electrified and gratified by
the sparkling of a pair of eyes which were riveted upon his face. After
the service he saw the possessor of the shining orbs leave the church
alone, and emboldened by her glances, he ventured to follow her, his
heart aching with rapture. He saw her look behind, and fancied she
evinced some emotion at recognizing him. He then quickened his pace, and
she actually slackened hers, as if to let him come up with her--but we
will permit the young gentleman to tell the rest in his own way:

"Noble young creature!" thought I, "her artless and warm heart is
superior to the bonds of custom.

"I had reached within a stone's throw of her. She suddenly halted, and
turned her face toward me. My heart swelled to bursting. I reached the
spot where she stood, she began to speak, and I took off my hat as if
doing reverence to an angel.

"'Are you a peddler?'

"'No, my dear girl, that is not my occupation.'

"'Well, I don't know,' continued she