, _I would never go to bed_."

INGRATITUDE.

WHEN the _School for Scandal_ was first performed, Mr. Cumberland sat in
the front of the stage box with the most complete apathy; its wit and
humor never affected his risible muscles. This being reported to Mr.
Sheridan, he observed, "That was very ungrateful, for I am sure I
laughed heartily at his tragedy of _The Battle of Hastings_."

REASONS FOR DRAM-DRINKING.

A GENTLEMAN in a coffee-house called, "Waiter! bring me a glass of
brandy; I am very hot." Another, "Waiter! a glass of brandy; I am
devilish cold." Mr. Quin, "Waiter! give me a glass of brandy; because I
like it."

SMUGGLING.

A LADY asked a silly but conceited Scotch nobleman, how it happened that
the Scots who came out of their own country were in general of more
abilities than those who remained at home. "Madam," said he, "the reason
is obvious; at every outlet there are persons stationed to examine those
who pass, that for the honor of the country no one be permitted to leave
it who is not a person of understanding." "Then," said she, "I presume
your lordship was smuggled."

A MIS-UNDER-STANDING.

A GENTLEMAN desired his boot-maker, as he took measure, to observe
particularly that one of his legs was bigger than the other, and of
course to make one of his boots bigger than the other. When they were
brought home, trying the larger boot on the small leg, it went on
easily, but when he attempted the other, his foot stuck fast. "You are a
pretty tradesman," said he, "I ordered you to make one of the boots
_larger than the other_; and, instead of that, you have made one of them
_smaller than the other_."

THE DOUBLE BULL.

"HOW can you call these blackberries, when they are red?" "Don't you
know that _black_ berries are always _red_ when they are _green_?"

IRISH DREAMING.

WHEN General and Mrs. V. were in Dublin, they were perpetually teased by
an old woman whom they had relieved, but whose importunity had no
bounds; every time she could find an opportunity she had a fresh tale to
extract money from their pockets. One day as they were stepping into
their carriage, Molly accosted them: "Ah! good luck to your honor's
honor, and your ladyship's honor,--to be sure I was not dreaming of you
last night; I dreamt that your honor's honor gave me a pound of tobacco,
and her ladyship gave me a pound of taa." "Aye, my good woman," says the
general, "but you kno