other, "go to the _wig-maker's
shop_."

A STORY APPLIED.

MR. BALFOUR, a Scotch advocate of dry humour, but much pomposity, being
in a large company, where the convivial Earl of Kelly presided, was
requested to give a song, which he declined. Lord Kelly, with all the
despotism of a chairman, insisted that if he would not sing, he must
tell a story or drink a pint bumper of wine. Mr. Balfour, being an
abstemious man, would not submit to the latter alternative, but
consented to tell a story. "One day," said he, "a thief, prowling about,
passed a church, the door of which was invitingly open. Thinking that he
might even there find some prey, he entered, and was decamping with the
pulpit-cloth, when he found his exit interrupted, the doors having been
in the interim fastened. What was he to do to escape with his plunder?
He mounted the steeple, and let himself down by the bell-rope; but
scarcely had he reached the bottom when the consequent noise of the bell
brought together people, who seized him. As he was led off to prison he
addressed the bell, _as I now address your lordship_; said he, '_Had it
not been for your long tongue and your empty head I had made my
escape_.'"

AMOR PATRIAE.

A DISPUTE arose as to the site of Goldsmith's _Deserted Village_. An
Irish clergyman insisted that it was the little hamlet of Auburn, in the
county of Westmeath. One of the company observed that this was
improbable, as Dr. Goldsmith had never been in that part of the country.
"Why, gentlemen," exclaimed the parson, "was Milton in hell when he
wrote his _Paradise Lost_?"

A QUAKER JOKE.

A CORRESPONDENT sends the Buffalo Express the following good thing for
the hot weather:

K----, the Quaker President of a Pennsylvania railroad, during the
confusion and panic last fall, called upon the W---- Bank, with which
the road had kept a large regular account, and asked for an extension of
a part of its paper falling due in a few days. The Bank President
declined rather abruptly, saying, in a tone common with that fraternity,

"Mr. K., your paper _must be paid at maturity_. We _cannot renew it_."

"Very well," our Quaker replied, and left the Bank. But he did not let
the matter drop here. On leaving the Bank, he walked quietly over to the
depot and telegraphed all the agents and conductors on the road, to
reject the bills on the W---- Bank. In a few hours the trains began to
arrive, full of panic, and bringing th