* *

There is a sign over in Newark that somehow doesn't just strike my
fancy; it reads--

P. Flem. Delicatessen.

* * * * *

A couple of young country chaps wandered into the lobby of Shea's
Theater in Toronto and stood watching the people go up to the
ticket-office window and purchase tickets; finally they got into the
line, worked their way up to the window, then one of them laid down a
two-dollar bill and said,

"Give me two tickets to Hamilton, Ontario."

* * * * *

"Irish Billie Carrol" was standing in the wings at the old Olympic
Theater in Chicago, watching the show. There was a chap on who was one
of those men who can never let well enough alone; if he said or did
anything that the audience laughed at, he would immediately say or do it
right over again. Billie watched him awhile, then turned to his friend
and said,

"All the trouble with him is, he always takes three bases on a single."

* * * * *

Barney Reiley, then with the Old Homestead Company, now the manager of a
theater in Indianapolis, and I were walking down the street in
Baltimore, when the sun, shining through a magnifying glass, set fire to
an oculist's show window.

"By Golly," said Barney, "it's a lucky thing that didn't happen in the
night, when there was nobody around."

* * * * *

Boston newspapers one week contained the following interesting
announcement:

"At Keith's; Cressy and Dayne; Don't fail to bring the children to see
the Trained Dogs."

* * * * *

[Illustration]

At the Majestic Theater in Chicago they have a big, two-sided, electric
sign upon which are displayed the names of the acts playing there. They
place the names of two acts on each side and use no periods. One week
the two sides read--

"CRESSY & DAYNE THE VAGRANTS."

and

"ELBERT HUBBARD NIGHT BIRDS."

* * * * *

Said the Actress to the Landlord,
"Want to see 'The Billboard,' Mister?"
Said the Landlord to the Actress,
"I'd rather see the board bill, Sister."

* * * * *

[Illustration]

An English actor, just over, was playing at the Fifth Avenue Theater in
New York City. He was in love with America and wanted to see it
all--quick. One night he came to me and said,

"I think I will take a ru