Lambs and The Players Clubs.
And here I was sitting out on the end of a wharf because I didn't have
money enough to hire even a bum rowboat. And the three first launches
that had passed by were all owned by _Vaudeville players_--whom my
legitimate friend 'did not know at all.' I thought it all out and then I
turned to my friend and said,

"'All right, Tom, but you want to make all you can out of this visit of
mine. For the next time I come up here you won't be speaking to me.'

"'Why won't I?' he asked in surprise.

"'Because the next time I come up here I am going to be "one of those
Vaudeville players." I am going to have some money in my pocket; and I
am going to have a boat; and I am going to sail by here every evening
and make faces at you "Legits."'"

* * * * *

Copy of a letter received from the proprietor of a hotel in Youngstown,
Ohio:

"To the Manager of the ---- Company.

"I can highly recommend you to my hotel we get all the best troups our
rates are as follows.

One man or one woman in one bed, $1.25.

Two men, or two women, or one man and one woman in one bed, $1.00.

And the hens lay every day.

"---- ----, Proprietor."

* * * * *

Hanging in each room of the Freeman House at Paterson, N. J., there used
to hang a neat little frame of "House Rules." Among these rules were the
following:

"Towel Service will be restricted to one clean towel for each guest
daily. The face towel of the previous day may (and should) be retained
for hand use the following day."

"Gentlemen will not be allowed to visit ladies in their sleeping rooms,
nor ladies to visit gentlemen in their rooms _except under extenuating
circumstances_."

* * * * *

[Illustration: "Why?"]

A little boy playing around the stage door of the Orpheum Theater in
Kansas City spoke to me as I came out one afternoon.

"Hello, Mister."

"Hello, young feller."

"Do you work in there?"

"Yes."

"Are you an actor?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

And I couldn't tell him of a single reason.

A SOCIAL SESSION

_Being "An Outsider's" Views of an Elks' Social Respectfully dedicated
to Archie Boyd, a Real Elk._

Have you ever, when benighted
In a strange town, been invited
To a social of the B. P. O. of E.?
'Twas too early to be sleeping
And the "blues" were o'er you creeping
And you wished that at home you c