aid to Hugo,

"Wull, Hugo, I bane thinkin'; every nicht sen we left New York you ha'
taken me oot as your guest; you ha' entertained me grand; I ha' never
seen anything like it in ma own country. An' I ha come to the conclusion
tha' it is not richt for me to let yo' do a' the treatin'. An' so
to-nicht I wi' toss yo' a penny to see who pays for the supper."

He did so, and Hugo got stuck.

* * * * *

Wouldn't Alan Dale feel at home in a "Pan"tages theater?

* * * * *

[Illustration: "Shun Licker."]

One morning in Chicago I received a pressing invitation to come over to
the police station and bail out "A Fallen Star." Upon arriving there I
found the aforesaid Star sitting on the edge of his bunk holding his
head in his hands and wishing it had never happened.

Like all Good Samaritans I started in delivering a Frances Murphy to
him; I told him how he was ruining his health, fortune and reputation; I
was really making quite a hit--with myself. Suddenly a rat scampered
along the corridor by the door. The Fallen Star saw it, started,
glanced sharply at me, then regained his composure. I was going ahead
with my temperance lecture, when he glanced up at me a second time and
said sharply,

"I know what you think; you think I think I saw a rat--but I didn't."

* * * * *

One summer we took our Property Man up on the farm in New Hampshire with
us; one day my wife was trying to describe a man that she wanted him to
find over to the village:

"He is a rather stout man," she said; "has reddish hair, wears blue
glasses and has locomotor ataxia."

"Oh, yes," interrupted the Property Man, "I seen it; he keeps it up in
George Blodgett's barn; I see it every night when I go after the cow."

* * * * *

The manager of a little theater in Des Moines closed an act on a
Thursday; I asked him what the matter was with the actor:

"Too officious, front and back."

* * * * *

B. F. Keith had two theaters in Philadelphia; one on Eighth Street and
one on Chestnut Street. One week while we were appearing at the
Chestnut Street house one of the papers had a picture of me. Not having
space enough for the whole name of the theater, they cut it down so that
the announcement read--

"WILL M. CRESSY. KEITH'S CHESTNUT."

* * * * *

[Illustration: