hat (called a "topper," by the way) and a violently red
nose. His first song was about his recent wedding; he had evidently
married an old maid of rather sad appearance. The first verse told of
the wedding and the wedding dinner; and how they then went upstairs to
their room, and, as soon as they got into the room she wanted him to
kiss her. But he looked at her and said--

(Chorus)

"Not to-night, Josephine; not to-night;
Not to-night; not to-night.
For I've had such a lot of pork and beans;
Gorgonzola cheese and then sardines.
And now you ask for a kiss
On a face like yours, old kite.
Well, I wouldn't like to spoil the lovely
Flavor of the beans,
So not to-night, Josephine, not to-night."

Wife and I looked sadly into each other's eyes, clasped hands, and
walked sadly to the dressing room. We knew we didn't have anything
strong enough to compete with that.

* * * * *

After three weeks "in the Provinces," as they call everything outside of
London, we went into the Palace Theater, London. We had had time to
learn the language and sort of get acclimated so we did very well there.

But we kept bumping up against new quirks in the language. For instance,
somebody asked me if we didn't "play two houses a night in Portsmouth?"
and I said No. But I then discovered that "two houses a night" did not
mean playing two different theaters a night, but playing two different
shows in the same house each night.

I also discovered that several words which had a perfectly innocent
meaning in America had entirely different meanings in London. I nearly
got licked twice for using improper language.

I discovered that what we would call a Tramp over here was a Moocher
over there. I could see a lady _in_ the street but I mustn't see her
_on_ the street. I could go up the street two squares but I mustn't go
up two blocks. I did not get my salary; I got my treasury. You did not
"kid" anybody; you "schwanked" them (spelling not guaranteed) or perhaps
you were "spoofing" them.

The big Artists are all "Toppers" or "Bottomers." A "Topper" is one who
is always billed at the top of the list of players. A "Bottomer" is the
act that is considered next in importance to the "Topper," and is billed
in big type at the bottom of the billing.

One thing that makes it hard to please an English Music Hall audience is
its widely different classes. Admission to the gallery is