called for 4:30. At 4:30 all the musicians were there but
the bass fiddler.

"Where is your bass fiddler?" asked our director.

"Well, he can't get here just yet," replied one of the other players.

"When will he be here?"

"Well, if it rains he is liable to be in any minute now; if it don't
rain he can't get here until six o'clock."

"What has the rain got to do with it?"

"He drives the sprinkling cart."

* * * * *

The worst orchestra I ever heard was with an Uncle Tom's Cabin show
playing East St. Louis. It consisted of two pieces; a clarinet and a
bass fiddle, each worse than the other.

* * * * *

At North Goram, Maine, I once hired an entire brass band of twenty-two
pieces to play for an entire evening of roller skating in the town hall,
for three dollars. They were worth every dollar of it.

* * * * *

In one of my plays I issue a newspaper called _The Wyoming Whoop_. At
the top of the first column are the words--"In Hoc Signo Vinces." One
day one of the stage hands came to me with a copy of the paper in his
hands, and pointing to this line, said,

"That means 'We Shoot to Kill,' don't it?"

* * * * *

My wife was in a hair-dressing parlor in Cleveland; the girl who was
doing what ever she was doing to her, discovered that she was the Miss
Dayne at Keith's Theater.

"Oh, say," she said, "I wish you would tell me something."

"Yes? what is it?" asked Miss D.

"Is that old man that plays on the stage with you as homely as he looks?
His face is just like one of those soft rubber faces that the men sell
on the street; the ones you pinch up into all sorts of shapes. He
doesn't look as bad as that all the time, does he?"

Miss D. told her that there was not much choice.

* * * * *

Jim Thornton was playing his first engagement for Kohl & Castle in
Chicago. As he came off from his first show, he stopped in the wings to
watch the next act. A gentleman came along, touched him on the shoulder
and said,

"You are not allowed to stand in the wings here."

Jim looked at him a moment, then said,

"And who are you?"

"Who am I? I am Kohl."

"You belong in the cellar," and Jim turned back to watch the show.

* * * * *

William Cahill was playing Paterson, N. J., and living at his home at
the furthermost end