s. You have
a lot of writing to do here, and nowhere to do it; now with this machine
you don't require any table or desk; you can hold this typewriter right
in your lap."

"Not me, Mister," said the Door Man hastily; "I'm married."

* * * * *

There used to be a door man at Keith's Boston House who could tell more
in less words than any man I ever saw. One Monday morning some actors
came in who had never been in Boston before, and they were asking this
old fellow about the different hotels:

"How is the Rexford?" asked the Lady.

"Burlesque," grunted the old fellow.

"What is the Touraine?"

"Headliners."

"How about the So-and-so House?" naming quite a notorious hotel.

"Been open eleven years and had three trunks."

* * * * *

"Where have I seen you before?"
And the Judge at the prisoner leers;
"Why, I taught your daughter singing."
"You did?" said the Judge; "_ten years_."

* * * * *

Nat Haines was playing Keith's, Providence, R. I. The act on ahead of
Nat was Professor Woodward's Trained Seals. One afternoon Nat, hearing a
noise, looked around and there was one of the seals coming out under the
curtain behind him. It took Nat just two jumps to get off the stage. An
attendant came out and captured the seal. Nat came back. "Well," he
said, scratching his head; "I have followed every animal on earth but a
skunk and a lizard, and now I have got that. Humph; Professor Woodward's
Trained Shad. I think I will learn dressmaking."

* * * * *

I once asked Ezra Kendal how he ever kept track of those seven children
of his.

"I use the card-index system," he replied solemnly.

* * * * *

The Depths of Degradation: A man that plays second violin and double
alto in the band.

* * * * *

Mary Richfield (Ryan & Richfield) had a headache; the Los Angeles sun
had been too much for her. She went in to a drug store and asked the
clerk for a headache powder. This clerk was not a first-class drugger;
he was just a student; but he knew where the headache powders were, so
he got one for her; got his ten cents and started away. Mary looked
around; there was no soda fountain, no water tank.

"Well, here," she said; the young man stopped and looked back at her.
"Where am I supposed to take this powder?"

"In your