malady just mentioned. She kindly
construed my ingratitude to be rather owing to my fear of chastisement,
than to a bad heart. Indeed, I believe this was the only instance in
which fear of chastisement operated so powerfully upon me. From that
time I suffered more in occasioning pain to One I loved, than in
suffering myself at their hand.

Thou knowest, O my Beloved, that it was not the dread of Thy
chastisements that sunk so deep, either into my understanding or my
heart; it was the sorrow for offending Thee which ever constituted the
whole of my distress; which was so great. I imagine if there were
neither Heaven nor Hell, I should always have retained the same fear of
displeasing Thee. Thou knowest that after my faults, when, in forgiving
mercy, Thou wert pleased to visit my soul, Thy caresses were a
thousand-fold more insupportable than Thy rod.

My father being informed of all that passed, took me home again. I was
nearly ten years of age. I stayed only a little while at home. A nun of
the order of St. Dominie, of a great family, one of my father's
intimate friends, solicited him to place me in her convent. She was the
prioress and promised she would take care of me and make me lodge in
her room. This lady had conceived a great affection for me. She was so
taken up with her community, in its many troublesome events that she
was not at liberty to take much care of me. I had the chickenpox, which
made me keep to my bed three weeks, in which I had very bad care,
though my father and mother thought I was under excellent care. The
ladies of the house had such a dread of the smallpox, as they imagined
mine to be, that they would not come near me. I passed almost all the
time without seeing anybody. A lay-sister who only brought me my
allowance of diet at the set hours immediately went off again. I
providentially found a Bible and having both a fondness for reading and
a happy memory, I spent whole days in reading it from morning to night.
I learned entirely the historical part. Yet I was really very unhappy
in this house. The other boarders, being large girls, distressed me
with grievous persecutions. I was so much neglected, as to food, that I
became quite emaciated.

CHAPTER 4

After about eight months, my father took me home. My mother kept me
more with her, beginning to have a higher regard for me than before.
She still preferred my brother; every one spoke of it. Even when I was
sick and there was anyth