eat swiftness. I seemed to myself to be
like those young brides, who find a great deal of difficulty to lay
aside their self-love, and to follow their husbands to the war. I
relapsed into a vain complacency and fondness for myself. My propensity
to pride and vanity, which seemed quite dead, while I was so filled
with love of God, now showed itself again, and gave me severe exercise.
This made me lament the exterior beauty of my person, and pray to God
incessantly, that he would remove from me that obstacle, and make me
ugly. I could even have wished to be deaf, blind and dumb, that nothing
might divert me from my love of God.

I set out on a journey, which we had then to make, and I appeared more
than ever like those lamps which emit a glimmering flash, when they are
just on the point of extinguishing. Alas! how many snares were laid in
my way! I met them at every step. I even committed infidelities through
unwatchfulness.

O my Lord, with what rigor didst Thou punish them! A useless glance was
checked as a sin. How many tears did those inadvertent faults cost me,
through a weak compliance, and even against my will! Thou knowest that
Thy rigor, exercised after my slips, was not the motive of those tears
which I shed. With what pleasure would I have suffered the most
rigorous severity to have been cured of my infidelity. To what severe
chastisement did I not condemn myself! Sometimes Thou didst treat me
like a father who pities the child, and caresses it after its
involuntary faults. How often didst Thou make me sensible of Thy love
toward me, notwithstanding my blemishes! It was the sweetness of this
love after my falls which caused my greatest pain; for the more the
amiableness of Thy love was extended to me, the more inconsolable I was
for having departed ever so little from Thee. When I had let some
inadvertence escape me, I found Thee ready to receive me. I have often
cried out, "O my Lord! is it possible thou canst be so gracious to such
an offender, and so indulgent to my faults; so propitious to one who
has wandered astray from Thee, by vain complaisances, and an unworthy
fondness for frivolous objects? Yet no sooner do I return, than I find
Thee waiting, with open arms ready to receive me."

O sinner, sinner! hast thou any reason to complain of God? If there yet
remains in thee any justice, confess the truth, and admit that it is
owing to thyself if thou goest wrong; that in departing from Him thou
disobeyest