y rejoiced at the prospect of
losing my life by a singular stroke of His providence.

On my return, I went to see Mrs. Granger, to whom I related how it had
been with me while abroad. She strengthened and encouraged me to pursue
my first design. She advised me to cover my neck, which I have done
ever since notwithstanding the singularity of it.

The Lord, who had so long deferred the chastisement merited by such a
series of infidelities, now began to punish me for the abuse of his
grace. Sometimes I wished to retire to a convent, and thought it
lawful. I found wherein I was weak, and that my faults were always of
the same nature. I wished to hide myself in some cave, or to be
confined in a dreary prison, rather than enjoy a liberty by which I
suffered so much. Divine love gently drew me inward, and vanity dragged
me outward. My heart was rent asunder by the contest, as I neither gave
myself wholly up to the one nor the other.

I besought my God to deprive me of power to displease Him, and cried,
"Art thou not strong enough wholly to eradicate this unjust duplicity
out of my heart?" For my vanity broke forth when occasions offered; yet
I quickly returned to God. He, instead of repulsing or upbraiding me,
often received me with open arms, and gave me fresh testimonials of His
love. They filled me with the most painful reflections on my offense.
Though this wretched vanity was still so prevalent, yet my love to God
was such, that after my wanderings, I would rather have chosen His rod
than His caresses. His interests were more dear to me than my own, and
I wished He would have done Himself justice upon me. My heart was full
of grief and of love. I was stung to the quick for offending Him, who
showered His grace so profusely upon me. That those who know not God
should offend Him by sin is not to be wondered at, but that a heart
which loved Him more than itself, and so fully experienced His love,
should be seduced by propensities which it detests, is a cruel
martyrdom.

When I felt most strongly Thy presence, and Thy love, O Lord, said I,
how wonderfully Thou bestowest Thy favors on such a wretched creature,
who requites Thee only with ingratitude. For if anyone reads this life
with attention, he will see on God's part, nothing but goodness, mercy,
and love; on my part, nothing but weakness, sin and infidelity. I have
nothing to glory in but my infirmities and my unworthiness, since, in
that everlasting marriage-union th