rce, a hotel, or dinner at a restaurant, all alone!]

* * * * *

[Illustration: THE VERY LATEST DISCOVERY.--_Amateur Astronomical Student
(returning home, after attending scientific bachelor dinner, where "the
reported discovery of a new Satellite of Saturn" has been warmly
discussed)._ "Where am I? Letsh shee--(_considering_)--Earth's got one
moon. Mars's got five moo--Jup'tush nine--I shee two moons. Then--where
_am_ I?"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: EFFECT OF GOOD CHEER ON OPPOSITE TEMPERAMENTS

Aspect of Jones and Smith at two different stages of the same sumptuous
repast.]

* * * * *

AT THE CELESTIAL RESTAURANT

_Customer (indignantly)._ Hi! waiter, what do you call this soup?

_Waiter (meekly)._ I not know, sir, but ze padrone tell me to describe
'im cocks-tail!

* * * * *

"THE COMING MAN."--A waiter.

* * * * *

[Illustration: SO VERY CONSCIENTIOUS!--_Master of the House._ "Why,
Jenkins, what on earth is the matter with you? Aren't you ashamed of
yourself?"

_Butler (with great deliberation)_, "Well, shir--if you pleashe,
shir--itsh not quite _my_ fault. You told me to taste every bottle of
wine before dinner, in cashe one should be corked. I've only carried out
in-shtrucshuns."]

* * * * *

THE VERB TO DINE

PRESENT TENSE

I dine.
Thou joinest me.
He tries to whip us up for a division.
We smoke our cigars.
Ye drink your port.
They are defeated in the lobby.

IMPERFECT TENSE

I was dining.
Thou wast holding a reception.
He was attending it.
We were feeling puzzled.
Ye were reading the _Globe_ and _Pall Mall_.
They were not knowing what to make of it.

FUTURE TENSE

I shall dine.
Thou wilt join my party.
He will squirm.
We shall promote the unity of the party.
Ye will applaud.
They will call a meeting at the "Reform."

PERFECT TENSE

I have dined.
Thou hast made ambiguous remarks.
He has explained them away.
We have tried to make it all sweet again.
Ye have split a soda.
They have split the party.

SUBJUNCTIVE PRESENT

I may dine.
Thou mayest object.
He may want to state his views.
We may insist on our dinners.
Ye may agree with them.
They may disagree with you.

SUBJUNCTIVE IMPERFECT

I might dine.
Thou mightest