represented at any number of banquets.

["An experiment in dinner speeches by telephone is to be tried at
Massachusetts Institute."]]

* * * * *

[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE EXPRESSED OTHERWISE

_Would-be Considerate Hostess (to son of the house)._ "How inattentive
you are, John! You really must look after Mr. Brown. _He's helping
himself to everything!_"

[_Discomfiture of Brown, who, if somewhat shy, is conscious of a very
healthy appetite._]]

* * * * *

[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD(N'T) RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID.--(_In Mrs.
Talbot de Vere Skynflynte's drawing-room, after one of her grand
dinner-parties where nobody gets enough to eat._) _General Guzzleton._
"What's that? Tea? No, thanks. I never take tea unless I've dined!"]

* * * * *

PROVERBS FOR BALL AND DINNER GIVERS

Ices and tea and coffee and small cakes are as good as a feast.

You may bring an amateur tenor up to a piano, but you cannot make him
sing.

A lord in the room is worth two dukes in the bush.

In provincial society the lord-lieutenant is king.

Flirtation is the mother of invention.

All good dances lead to the conservatory.

Take care of the rounds, and the squares will look after themselves.

It is a wise waltzer who knows her own step.

A dinner in time saves nine.

When the confectioner comes in by the door the cook flies out by the
window.

What is port to your wine merchant is death to your guests.

Keep your champagne dry.

Call a stable-boy by any other name, and he will resemble the rose
under similar circumstances.

You can't make a head butler out of a local greengrocer.

When the soup is cold, the wit flies out.

If you have enough cheap and nasty dishes, some of them must be eaten.

The _menu_ makes the dinner.

Ask _Mr. Punch_ to a really good and well thought-out meal, and you will
have an exceptionally lucky man for your guest.

* * * * *

THE SIGH OF THE SEASON

Good-bye dinner, good-bye lunch,
Good-bye turtle, good-bye punch,
Good-bye jambon soaked in cham.,
Good-bye venison, cutlets lamb,
Good-bye salmon, smelts, and sole,
Good-bye Heidsieck's monopole,
Good-bye hock, sauterne, and sherry,
Good-bye all that makes me merry,
Good-bye liqueurs, _petit verre_,
Good-bye sauce _au Vin Madere_,
Good-bye all these joys of life,