praise, I asked his opinion of the ortolans. He said
that their aroma dispensed with the necessity for their consumption. He
was evidently surprised.

When the bill was presented by the courteous "chucker-out," we found
that most unluckily neither of us had any money.

I append the bill.

Dinners (for two), 1_s._ 9_d._ Champagne, 3_d._ Total, 2_s._

To this I ought really to add:--

Cab (for three) to Marylebone Police Court, 1_s_. 6_d_. (The constable
refused to walk without us.)

Loss to reputation by report of proceedings, 8_d_.

* * * * *

THE BUSINESS OF PLEASURE

_Professor Guzzleton_ (_to Fair Chatterbox_). Are you aware that our
host has a French cook?

_Fair Chatterbox._ So I hear!

_Professor Guzzleton._ And that that French cook is the best in London?

_Fair Chatterbox._ So I believe!

_Professor Guzzleton._ Then don't you think we had better defer all
further conversation till we meet again in the drawing-room?

* * * * *

"My uncle, the admiral," said Mrs. Ramsbotham, "is very old fashioned,
and always goes to sleep every day after dinner with his banana on his
head."

* * * * *

[Illustration: SYMPATHETIC

_Toast-master_ (_to chairman of public dinner_). "Would you like to
propose your toast now, my lord, or should we let 'em enjoy themselves a
bit longer?"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: INFELICITOUS MISQUOTATIONS.--_Hostess._ "You've eaten
hardly anything, Mr. Simpkins!"

_Mr. S._ "My dear lady, I've dined '_wisely, but not too well_!'"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: TRIUMPHS OF THE FUNNY MAN

_Hired Waiter_ (_handing the liqueurs_). "_Please_, sir, _don't_ make me
laugh--I shall spill 'em all!"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: OVERHEARD AT A CITY RESTAURANT

"I said Welsh _radish_, not _horse rabbit_!"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: IRRESISTIBLE

_Our Robert_ (_on duty in the provinces, offering dish to neglected
spinster_). "Little duck!"

[_In such a tone of voice, that, at the risk of the sage and----she
accepts!_]

* * * * *

[Illustration: _Host._ "I say, my boy, shall we join ladies in
drawing-room?"

_Guest._ "I sh'inksho."

_Host._ "Can you say, 'The scenery's truly rural 'bout here?'"

_Guest._ "Sc-scenery tooraloora