ever I have dined, I have had nothing
but saddle of mutton and boiled turkey--boiled turkey and saddle of
mutton. I'll endure it no longer."

[_Exit old gent, who alters his will._

Moral.--_How ridiculous a man appears--particularly a man at a grave
period of life--who is over-anxious about his eating and drinking!_]

* * * * *

[Illustration: "ALL THE DIFFERENCE"

_Dyspeptic Diner._ "Um"--(_forking it suspiciously_)--"what is it,
waiter?"

'_Robert._' "It says 'ronyongs sorty' on the menoo, sir. But I can't say
what it may be on the dish!"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: _His Partner._ "I really never heard a better speech in
my life! Such a wonderful flow of----"

_He._ "Great Scott! That reminds me--I've left the bathroom tap at home
full on!"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: THE NICE LITTLE DINNER

_Tommy_ (_who is standing a feed to Harry_). "Oh, hang it, you know,
fourteen bob for a bottle of champagne! That's coming it rather strong,
ain't it?"

_Waiter_ (_with perfect composure_). "We have some _cheap_ wine, sir, at
half-a-guinea!"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: TOO LITERAL BY HALF

SCENE.--_A "cheap" chop-house not a hundred miles from L--nd--n._

_Waiter._ "Paysir? Yessir--Whataveyeradsir?"

_Matter-of-fact old gentleman_ (_who has been reading the "Quarterly" on
"Food and its adulterations"_). "Had? why, let me see: I've had some
horsetail soup, spiced with red-lead and shop-sweepings: a plate of
roast cow, and cabbage boiled with verdigris: a crust of plaster of
Paris, baked with alum and bone-dust: half-a-pint of porter brewed from
quassia and strychnine: and a cup of charred liver, annatto, and other
unknown ingredients."

[_Exit waiter for a straight-waistcoat, and a stomach-pump._]

* * * * *

[Illustration: _Dolly._ "Please, Miss Sharp, mamma says, have you
_really_ left your songs at home?"

_Miss Sharp._ "Yes, dear. Why?"

_Dolly._ "Well, papa says 'it sounds too good to be true'!"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: EUREKA!--_Isaacstein_ (_late of Whitechapel, showing old
friend over bathroom in new house_). "What am I goin' to do with it?
Vell, you see, I've always rather wanted a place where I could keep
goldfish!"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: _Juvenile._ "Uncle!"

_