Good-bye fork, and good-bye knife,
Good-bye all I take when out,
Good-bye _then_ this twinge of gout!

* * * * *

[Illustration: _Our Gallant Colonel._ "Your daughters, my dear Mrs.
Tympanum, are looking delightful to-night--simply delightful!"

_Mrs. Tympanum (rather hard of hearing, and very intent on a roti of
ducklings)._ "Yes, aren't they! I've had them stuffed with sage and
onions!"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: CRUEL!--_Smith (usually a shy, reserved, and silent man)
tells a rather long, but otherwise entertaining, story, about an orange,
which meets with great success. Brown (when the laughter and applause
have subsided)._ "Bravo, Smith! Capital, old man! But, I say, you told
it better one night at Jones's, a few months ago!" _Jones._ "No, no!
Where he told it best was that morning we breakfasted with you, Brown,
somewhere about the beginning of the year before last!" _Robinson._ "Ah,
but don't you recollect the way he told it after that supper I gave you
fellows at Evans' in 'fifty-one'? How we _did_ laugh, to be sure!"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: WHOSE FAULT?--_Wife (reproachfully)._ "O, Charles!" (_She
had returned to the dining-room, wondering why he had not come upstairs
to tea.) Charles (who had evidently taken a little too much wine)._ "V'y
well, my dear! 'Sh not my fault! 'Sh your fault! Cooksh fault! 'Bisque
soup was salt! Sh'preme d'la V'laille was smoked! And orange frittersh
'tough as leather! What did Capt'n du Cane shay? Bad cookery cause of
all sorts o' crimes. 'Shamed of yourshelf!"]

* * * * *

[Illustration:

"For when our veins are filled
With wine and feeding, we have suppler souls
Than in our priest-like fasts."--SHAKSPEARE: _Coriolanus_.

AFTER-DINNER CRITICISM.--_Guest (who has had a pleasant evening, will
just have a look at his host's pictures before he goes)._
"Yesh--(_hic_)--'like tha' pictsh're! Fi' lanshc'pe! 'Like the treesh!
'Branshes wave 'bout s' nash'rally!!!"]

* * * * *

DINNER PLATITUDES

Twice of soup is vulgar, but three times of soup implies that you must
be more than double-plated with vulgarity. Such a thing was never known,
not even at the Trinity Board, and turtle is not the slightest excuse
for your pushing things to such a vulgar length. An alderman would
really blush for you.

A soft answer