* * * *

[Illustration: AFTER MANY YEARS!--_Country Parson_ (_to distinguished
Peer, who has been making_ THE _speech of the evening_). "How d'ye do,
my lord? I see you don't quite remember me." _Distinguished Peer._
"Well--er--not altogether." _C. P._ "We were members of the same club at
Oxford." _D. P._ (_with awakening interest_). "Oh--ah! Let me see--which
club was that?" _C. P._ "The--er--_Toilet Club_, you know!"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID

_She._ "We expected you to dinner last night, Herr Professor. We waited
half an hour for you. I hope it was not _illness_ that prevented you
from coming?"

_He._ "Ach, no! I vas not hongry!"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: A DILEMMA

_Nervous Gentleman_ (_to two sisters_). "I've got to take one of you in
to dinner. A--a--let me see--a--which is the elder?"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID

_Jones_ (_to hostess, famous for her dinners_). "Oh, by the way, Mrs.
Hodgkinson, if you should happen to want a really good cook, I know of
one who would suit you to a T!"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: THE RULING PASSION STRONG AT DINNER

_Laconic Waiter_ (_thoroughly familiar with sporting Major's taste in
champagne_). "Seventy-four, sir?"

_Sporting Major_ (_down on his luck, after a bad week at Newmarket_).
"Seven-to-four, sir! Dash it! wouldn't take ten to one about anything!"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: CAUSE AND

_Host_ (_to coachman, who is turned on as butler on grand occasions_).
"I want you to see that all my guests enjoy themselves, Coggledab. Don't
let them have to ask for anything. Be particularly attentive to my dear
aunt, Mrs. Dumbledock!"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: EFFECT

_Coggledab_ (_in a stage-whisper, during a lull in the conversation, to
Mrs. Dumbledock, who has recently joined the Blue Ribbon Army._)
"'Ollands, whiskey, or cog-nack, mum? You can't be enjy-in' of yourself.
_You're not drinkin'!_"

[_Mrs. Dumbledock alters her will the next day_]

* * * * *

A LITTLE DINNER OF THE FUTURE

_A Forecast by Mr. Punch's Own Clairvoyant_

According to the _Daily Chronicle_, "an American professor is
looking forward to the time when cooking and dining shall