er expects something more,
Who calls us a cab at the door!----
"_Attendance is charged in the bill!_"

* * * * *

[Illustration: THE GOLDEN KEY.--_Mr. Montgomerie._ "Ah! my dear boys,
you're right. The extent to which our English system of 'tipping' has
grown is something monstrous! Why, I can assure you--that--at some of
the big country houses I stop at, it costs me a ten-pound note _to get
out of 'em_!"

_Jones_ (_to his neighbour, sotto voce_). "Wonder how much it costs him
to _get into_ 'em?"]

* * * * *

THE ECONOMICS OF SMOKING

BY JOSEPH FUME.

The man who smokes half his cigar, and puts the remainder by, knows
nothing about smoking.

The man who carries no cigar-case has no right to levy contributions on
those who do.

Never buy a cigar at a chemist's, they are sure to remind you of their
origin. I once knew a chemist, who also sold wine and cigars, and I am
sure he could only have had one workshop for his three businesses, and
that was his laboratory.

Mistrust the tobacco that is given in half-payment of a bill. Such
dealers may be clever in drawing a bill, but it is rarely that their
cigars are distinguished for being good "drawers."

The man who smokes with wine is quite capable of taking sugar with
oysters.

* * * * *

[Illustration: ANNALS OF A RETIRED SUBURB.--The Montgomery Joneses
celebrated their wedding-day by giving a dinner on an unusually
magnificent scale to some of their London friends. Unfortunately, an
unexpected change in the weather during the afternoon has made the road
up the hill rather heavy, so that the London friends omit to turn up.]

* * * * *

PROVERBS FOR TABLE

Set a thief to catch a thief:
Think of this when eating beef.

All that glitters is not gold:
Think of this when that beef's cold.

Harm is done by too much zeal:
Think of this when eating veal.

Life's a jest, and all things show it:
Think of this when drinking Moet.

Happiness flies Court for garret:
Think of this when drinking claret.

Gold may oft be bought too dear:
Think of this when drinking beer.

Many littles make a mickle:
Think of this when eating pickle.

Silent fools may pass for wise:
Think of this when eating rice.

Unto Rome conduct all roads:
Think of this when eating toads.

Flog first fault: _principi