* * * * *

DINING AL FRESCO

(_Extract from an Earl's Courtier's Notebook_)

6 P.M.--Come down early, to get a table. Can't. All the tables booked a
week in advance. Very angry. Manager says he'll see what can be done for
me--later on. Fairly satisfied. He had better!

7 P.M.--In state of heat. Have a fair appetite. Ask for table. "What
table?" "The one promised me--later on." "Very sorry, but they are all
engaged." Awfully angry. Explain that I am a person of some importance.
Can do the place a great deal of good if I do have a table, and _vice
versa_. Manager desolated. See everybody else stuffing, drinking, and
enjoying themselves. How they can have the heart! And _I_ table-less!
But, no matter, a time will come. I'll write to "the leading journal"
and denounce everything and everybody.

7.15 P.M.--Explosively wrathful. At last! Ha! ha! Got a table. But at
the back somewhere. Strong smell of cooking. Distant echo of a band.
Exceedingly annoyed. Have tasted _hors d'oeuvres_. Sardines decent.

7.20 P.M.--_Bonne Femme_ soup good. Have ordered champagne cup. Still
annoyed.

7.30 P.M.--Salmon mayonnaise distinctly excellent. Good idea to have
cold dinner. Champagne cup well brewed. Don't notice the smell of
cooking. Can hear the band. Nice band.

7.40 P.M.--_Pate de fois gras en aspic._ Capital Cold joint. First-rate.
Salad artistically mixed. Second champagne cup as good as first. After
all, place of table not so bad.

[Illustration]

* * * * *

[Illustration: A TRUE ARTIST.--_Mamma_ (_to Tommy, who has been allowed
for a few minutes to wait at table_). "Now, Tommy, kiss me, and go to
bed."

_Tommy_ (_to footman_). "Do _you_ ever kiss the missus, Charles?"

_Footman._ "No, sir!"

_Tommy._ "Then _I_ won't!"]

* * * * *

THE MENU A LA MODE

Come, Damon, since again we've met
We'll feast right royally to-night,
The groaning table shall be set
With every seasonable delight!
The luscious bivalve ... I forgot,
The oyster is an arch-deceiver,
And makes its eater's certain lot
A bad attack of typhoid fever.

With soup, then, be it thick or clear,
The banquet fitly may commence--
Alas, on second thoughts, I fear
With soup as well we must dispense.
The doctors urge that, in effect,
Soup simply kills the thoughtless glutton.
It's full of germs. I recollect
They