so many years, and cannot make her Brown, that I am
determined to toast her no longer."

FITNESS OF THINGS.

AN Irish sergeant, on a march, being attacked by a dog, pierced the
animal with his halbert. On the complaint of the owner, the superior
officer said to the offender, "Murphy, you were wrong in this. You
should have struck the dog with the butt end of your halbert, and not
with your blade." "Plaise your honor," says Murphy, "and I would have
been glad for to save myself the trouble of claining my iron, if he had
only been so kind as to bite me with his tail, instead of his teeth."

LETTING ON.

A LAWYER, in Ireland, who was pleading the cause of an infant plaintiff,
took the child up in his arms, and presented it to the jury, suffused
with tears. This had a great effect, till the opposite lawyer asked what
made him cry? "He pinched me!" answered the little innocent. The whole
court was convulsed with laughter.

AN INFALLIBLE RECEIPT.

AS Louis XIV. was, one severe frosty day, traveling from Versailles to
Paris, he met a young man, very lightly clothed, tripping along in as
much apparent comfort as if it had been in the midst of summer. He
called him,--"How is it," said the king, "that, dressed as you are, you
seem to feel no inconvenience from the cold, while, notwithstanding my
warm apparel, I cannot keep from shivering?" "Sire," replied the
pedestrian, "if your majesty will follow my example, I engage that you
will be the warmest monarch of Europe." "How so?" asked the king. "Your
majesty need only, like me, _carry all your wardrobe on your back_."

AN APT SCHOLAR.

"GEORGE, what does C A T spell?"

"Don't know, Sir."

"What does your mother keep to catch mice?"

"Trap, Sir."

"No, no, what animal is very fond of milk?"

"A baby, Sir."

"You dunce, what was it scratched your sister's face?"

"My nails, Sir."

"I am out of all patience! There, do you see that animal on the fence?"

"Yes, Sir."

"Do you know its name?"

"Yes, Sir."

"Then tell me what C A T spells."

"Kitten, Sir."

PROPENSITIES.

THE American General Lee, being one day at dinner where there were some
Scotch officers, took occasion to say, that when he had got a glass too
much, he had an unfortunate propensity to abuse the Scotch, and
therefore should such a thing happen, he hoped they would excuse him.
"By all means," said one of the Caledonians, "we have all our failings,