A DOUBLE ENTENDRE.

A LADY who strove by the application of washes, paint, &c., to improve
her countenance, had her vanity not a little flattered by a gentleman
saying, "Madam, every time I look at your face I discover some _new
beauty_."

A REPROOF.

A YOUNG fellow in a coffee house venting a parcel of common place abuse
on the clergy, in the presence of Mr. Sterne, and evidently leveled at
him, Laurence introduced a panegyric on his dog, which he observed had
no fault but one, namely, that whenever he saw a parson he fell a
barking at him. "And how long," said the youth, "has he had this trick?"
"Ever since he was a _puppy_."

A GOOD TURN.

"I UNDERSTAND, Jones, that you can turn anything neater than any other
man in town."

"Yes, Mr. Smith, I said so."

"Well, Mr. Jones, I don't like to brag, but there is no man on earth
that can turn a thing as well as I can whittle it, Mr. Jones. Jest name
the article that I can't whittle, that you can turn, and I'll give you a
dollar if I don't do it to the satisfaction of those gentlemen present."

"Well, Mr. Smith, suppose we take two grindstones, just for a trial, you
may whittle and I'll turn."

A DISTINCTION.

SHUTER, one day meeting a friend with his coat patched at the elbow,
observed, he should be ashamed of it. "How so?" said the other, "it is
not the first time I have seen you _out at the elbows_." "Very true,"
replied Ned, "I should think nothing of exhibiting twenty holes; a hole
is the _accident of the day_; but a patch is _premeditated poverty_."

CONSOLATION.

IN a party of young fellows, the conversation turned on their learning
and education, and one of the company having delivered his thoughts on
the subject very respectably, his neighbor, neither extremely wise nor
witty, said, "Well, Jack, you are certainly not the greatest fool
living." "No," answered he, "nor shall I be while you live."

RESULT OF KISSING THE BUTCHER.

"MY DEAR," said an affectionate wife, "what shall we have for dinner
to-day?"

"One of your smiles," replied the husband. "I can dine on that every
day."

"But I can't," replied the wife.

"Then take this," and he gave her a kiss and went to his business.

He returned to dinner.

"This is excellent steak," said he, "what did you pay for it?"

"Why, what you gave me this morning, to be sure," replied the wife.

"You did!" exclaimed he; "then you shall have the money next