erds trod_.

A ROWLAND FOR AN OLIVER.

A SAILOR examined on an assault committed on board of ship, was asked by
the counsel, whether the plaintiff or defendant struck first. "I know
nothing," said he, "of plaintiff and defendant; I only know, as I have
said already, that Tom knocked Jack down with a marlinspike." "Here,"
said the counsel, "is a pretty witness, who does not know the plaintiff
from the defendant!" Proceeding in his cross examination, the counsel
asked where the affray happened? The answer was, "Abaft the binnacle."
"Abaft the binnacle! where's that?" "Here," said the witness, "is a
pretty counsel for you, that does not know abaft the binnacle!" The
counsel, not yet abashed, asked, "And pray, my witty friend, how far
were you from Tom when he knocked down Jack?" "Just five feet seven
inches." "You are very accurate; and how do you happen to know this so
very exactly?" "I thought some fool would ask me, and so I measured it."

SLANG.

LORD MANSFIELD examining a witness, asked,

"What do you know of the defendant?"

"O! my lord, _I was up to him_."

"Up to him! what do you mean by that?"

"Mean, my lord! why, _I was down upon him_."

"Up to him and down upon him! what does the fellow mean?"

"Why I mean, my lord, _I stagged him_."

"I do not understand your language, friend."

"Lord! what a flat you must be!"

SCIENTIFIC DISTINCTIONS.

AN eminent physician, and Fellow of the Royal Society, seeing over the
door of a paltry ale-house, _The Crown and Thistle_, by Malcolm Mac
Tavish, M.D., F.R.S., walked in, and severely rebuked the landlord for
this presumptuous insult on science. Boniface, with proper respect, but
with a firmness that showed he had been a soldier, assured the doctor
that he meant no insult to science. "What right then," asked he, "have
you to put up those letters after your name?" "I have," answered the
landlord, "as good a right to these as your honor, as _Drum Major of the
Royal Scots Fusileers_."

CORPORAL PUNISHMENT.

A SOLDIER having been sentenced to receive military punishment, one of
the drummers refused to inflict it, saying it was not his duty. "Not
your duty, Sirrah!" said the adjutant, "what do you mean?" "I know very
well," replied Tattoo, "that it is not my duty; I was present at the
court martial, and heard the colonel say he was to receive _corporal_
punishment. I am no _corporal_, but only a _drummer_."

AN APOLOGY.