infidelity I happened at any time to justify myself, I
always failed, and drew upon myself new crosses, both within and
without. But notwithstanding all this, I was so enamored with it, that
the greatest cross of all would have been to be without any. When the
cross was taken from me for any short space, it seemed to me that it
was because of the bad use I made of it; that my unfaithfulness
deprived me of so great an advantage. I never knew its value better
than its loss.

I cried punish me any way, but take not the cross from me. This amiable
cross returned to me with so much the more weight, as my desire was
more vehement. I could not reconcile two things, they appeared to me so
very opposite. 1) To desire the cross with so much ardor. 2) To support
it with so much difficulty and pain.

God knows well, in the admirable economy he observes, how to render the
crosses more weighty, conformable to the ability of the creature to
bear them. Hereby my soul began to be more resigned, to comprehend that
the state of absence, and of wanting what I longed for, was in its turn
more profitable than that of always abounding. This latter nourished
self-love. If God did not act thus, the soul would never die to itself.
That principle of self-love is so crafty and dangerous, that it cleaves
to everything.

What gave me most uneasiness, in this time of darkness and crucifixion,
both within and without, was an inconceivable readiness to be quick and
hasty. When any answer a little too lively escaped me, (which served
not a little to humble me,) they said "I was fallen into a mortal sin."
A conduct no less rigorous than this was quite necessary for me. I was
so proud, passionate, and of a humor naturally thwarting, wanting
always to carry matters my own way, thinking my own reasons better than
those of others. Hadst thou, O my God, spared the strokes of thy
hammer, I should never have been formed to Thy will, to be an
instrument for Thy use; for I was ridiculously vain. Applause rendered
me intolerable. I praised my friends to excess, and blamed others
without reason. But, the more criminal I have been, the more I am
indebted to Thee, and the less of any good can I attribute to myself.
How blind are men who attribute to others the holiness that God gives
them! I believe, my God, that thou hast had children, who under thy
grace, owed much to their own fidelity. As for me, I owe all to Thee; I
glory to confess it; I cannot acknowledge