nning to dryness and privation. I
even preferred it to the state of abounding, because I knew that I must
seek God above all. I had even at the first beginnings, an instinct of
my inmost soul to pass over every manner of thing whatsoever, and to
leave the gifts to run after the Giver. But at this time my spirit and
senses were in such a manner struck, by Thy permission, O my Lord, who
wert pleased to destroy me without mercy, that the farther I went, the
more everything appeared to me a sin; even crosses appeared to me no
more crosses but real faults. I thought I drew them all on myself by my
imprudent words and actions, I was like those, who, looking through a
colored glass, behold everything of the same color with which it is
stained. Had I been able to perform any exterior acts as formerly, or
penances for my evil, it would have relieved me. I was forbidden to do
the latter, besides I grew so timorous, and felt in myself such a
weakness, as made it appear impossible for me to do them. I looked on
them with horror, I found myself now so weak and incapable of anything
of the kind.

I omit many things, both of providences of the Lord in my favor, and of
rugged paths through which I was obliged to pass. But as I have only
one general view, I leave them in the knowledge of the Lord only.
Afterward, being forsaken of my director, the coldness toward me which
I remarked in the persons conducted by him, gave me no more trouble,
nor indeed the estrangement of all the creatures, on account of my
inward humiliation. My brother also joined with those who exclaimed
against me, even though he had never seen them before. I believe it was
the Lord who conducted things in this way, for my brother has worth,
and undoubtedly thought he did well in acting thus.

I was obliged to go about some business to a town where some near
relations of my mother-in-law lived. How did I find things changed
there! When I was there before, they entertained me in a most elegant
and obliging manner, regaling me from house to house with emulation.
Now they treated me with the utmost contempt, saying, they did it to
revenge what I made their relation suffer. As I saw the thing went so
far, and that notwithstanding all my care and endeavors to please her,
I had not been able to succeed, I resolved to come to an explanation
with her. I told her that there was a current report that I treated her
ill, though I made it my study to give her every mark of my est