a most sensible distress to me, and indeed a punishment more
difficult to bear than the severest trials. I then comprehended what
St. Teresa says, "Let me suffer or die." For this absence of the cross
was so grievous to me, that I languished with desire for its return.
But no sooner was this earnest longing granted, and the blessed cross
returned again, than strange as it may seem, it appeared so weighty and
burdensome, as to be almost insupportable.

Though I loved my father extremely, and he loved me tenderly, yet I
never spoke to him of my sufferings. One of my relations, who loved me
very much, perceived the little moderation they used toward me. They
spoke very roughly to me before him. He was highly displeased, and told
my father of it, adding, that I would pass for a fool. Soon after I
went to see my father, who, contrary to his custom, sharply reprimanded
me, "for suffering them to treat me in such a manner, without saying
anything in my own defence." I answered, "If they knew what my husband
said to me, that was confusion enough for me, without my bringing any
more of it on myself by replies; that if they did not notice it, I
ought not to cause it to be observed, nor expose my husband's weakness;
that remaining silent stopped all disputes, whereas I might cause them
to be continued and increased by my replies." My father answered that I
did well, and that I should continue to act as God should inspire me.
And after that, he never spoke to me of it any more.

They were ever talking to me against my father, against my relations,
and all such as I esteemed most. I felt this more keenly than all they
could say against myself. I could not forbear defending them, and
therein I did wrong; as whatever I said served only to provoke them. If
any complained of my father or relations, they were always in the
right. If any, whom they had disliked before, spoke against them, they
were presently approved of. If any showed friendship to me, such were
not welcome. A relation whom I greatly loved for her piety, coming to
see me, they openly bid her begone. They treated her in such a manner
as obliged her to go, which gave me no small uneasiness. When any
person of distinction came, they would speak against me; even to those
who knew me not, which surprised them. But when they saw me they pitied
me.

It mattered not what they said against me, love would not allow me to
justify myself. I spoke not to my husband of what either my