and I went out no
more.

CHAPTER 17

We went into the country, where I committed many faults. I thought I
might do it then because my husband diverted himself with building. If
I stayed from him he was dissatisfied. That sometimes happened as he
was continually talking with the workmen. I set myself in a corner, and
there had my work with me, but could scarcely do anything by reason of
the force of the attraction which made the work fall out of my hands. I
passed whole hours this way, without being able either to open my eyes
or know what passed; but I had nothing to wish for, nor yet to be
afraid of. Everywhere I found my proper center, because everywhere I
found God.

My heart could then desire nothing but what it had. This disposition
extinguished all its desires; and I sometimes said to myself, "What
wantest thou? What fearest thou?" I was surprised to find upon trial
that I had nothing to fear. Every place I was in was my proper place.

As I had generally no time allowed me for prayer but with difficulty,
and would not be suffered to rise till seven o'clock, I stole up at
four, and kneeling in my bed, I wished not to offend my husband and
strove to be punctual and assiduous in everything. But this soon
affected my health and injured my eyes, which were still weak. It was
but eight months since I had the smallpox. This loss of rest brought a
heavy trial upon me. Even my sleeping hours were much broken, by the
fear of not waking in time, I insensibly dropped asleep at my prayers.
In the half hour that I got after dinner, though I felt quite wakeful,
the drowsiness overpowered me. I endeavored to remedy this by the
severest bodily inflictions, but in vain.

As we had not yet built the chapel, and were far from any church, I
could not go to prayers or sacrament without the permission of my
husband. He was very reluctant to permit me, except on Sundays and
holidays. I could not go out in the coach, so that I was obliged to
make use of some stratagems, and to get service performed very early in
the morning, to which, feeble as I was, I made an effort to creep on
foot. It was a quarter of a league distant. Really God wrought wonders
for me. Generally, in the mornings when I went to prayers, my husband
did not awake until after I was returned. Often, as I was going out,
the weather was so cloudy, that the girl I took with me told me that I
could not go; or if I did, I should be soaked with the rain. I answere