eem. If
the report were true, I desired her to allow me to remove from her; for
that I would not choose to stay to give her pain, but only with a quite
contrary view. She answered very coldly, "I might do what I would; for
she had not spoken about it, but was resolved to live apart from me."
This was fairly giving me my discharge, and I thought of taking my
measures privately to retire. As I had not, since my widowhood, made
any visits but such as were of pure necessity, or charity, there were
found too many discontented spirits, who made a party with her against
me. The Lord required of me an inviolable secrecy of all my pains, both
exterior and interior. There is nothing which makes nature die so much,
as to find neither support nor consolation. In short I saw myself
obliged to go out, in the middle of winter, with my children and my
daughters' nurse. At that time there was no house empty in the town, so
the Benedictines offered me an apartment in theirs.

I was now in a great strait; on one side fearing lest I was shunning
the cross, on the other side thinking it unreasonable to impose my stay
on one to whom it was only painful. Besides what I have related of her
behavior, which still continued, when I went into the country to take a
little repose she complained that I left her alone. If I desired her to
come thither she would not. If I said, "I dare not ask her to come, for
fear of incommoding her by changing her bed," she replied, "It was only
an excuse, because I would not have her go; and that I only went to be
away from her." When I heard that she was displeased at my being in the
country, I returned to the town. Then she could not bear to speak to
me, or to see me. I accosted her without appearing to notice how she
received it. Instead of making me any answer, she turned her head
another way. I often sent her my coach, desiring her to come and spend
a day in the country. She sent it back empty, without any answer. If I
passed some days there without sending it, she complained aloud. In
short, all I did to please her soured her, God so permitting it. She
had in the main a good heart, but was troubled with an uneasy temper:
and I do not fail to think myself under much obligation to her.

Being with her on Christmas day, I said to her with much affection: "My
mother, on this day was the King of peace born, to bring it to us; I
beg peace of you in His name." I think that touched her, though she
would not let it ap