erly all on fire, should now become like ice!" I
often thought all creatures combined against me. Laden with a weight of
past sins, and a multitude of new ones, I could not think God would
ever pardon me, but looked on myself as a victim designed for Hell. I
would have been glad to do penances, to make use of prayers,
pilgrimages, and vows. But still, whatever I tried for a remedy seemed
only to increase the malady. I may say that tears were my drink, and
sorrow my food. I felt in myself such a pain as I never could bring any
to comprehend, but such as have experienced it. I had within myself an
executioner who tortured me without respite. Even when I went to
church, I was not easy there. To sermons I could give no attention;
they were now of no service or refreshment to me. I scarcely conceived
or understood anything in them, or about them.

CHAPTER 22

As my husband drew near his end, his distempers had no intermission. No
sooner was he recovered from one when he fell into another. He bore
great pains with much patience offering them to God and making a good
use of them. Yet his anger toward me increased, because reports and
stories of me were multiplied to him, and those about him did nothing
but vex him. He was the more susceptible of such impressions, as his
pains gave him a stronger bent to vexation. At this time, the maid, who
used to torment me sometimes took pity on me. She came to see me as
soon as I was gone into my closet, and said, "Come to my master that
your mother-in-law may not speak any more to him against you." I
pretended to be ignorant of it all but he could not conceal his
displeasure, nor even suffer me near him. My mother-in-law at the same
time kept no bounds. All that came to the house were witnesses of the
continual scoldings, which I was forced to bear, and which I bore with
much patience, notwithstanding my being in the condition I have
mentioned.

My husband having, sometime before his death, finished the building of
the chapel in the country, where we spent a part of the summer, I had
the conveniency of hearing prayers every day, and of the communion. Not
daring to do it openly every day, the priest privately admitted me to
the communion. They solemnized the dedication of this little chapel. I
felt myself all on a sudden inwardly seized, which continued more than
five hours, all the time of the ceremony, when our Lord made a new
consecration of me to Himself. I then seemed to my