dier, with a bayonet on his gun, captured Barrymore and compelled him
to pile bricks for two days.

Barrymore was telling his terrible experience in the Lambs' Club in New
York.

"Extraordinary," commented Augustus Thomas, the playwright. "It took a
convulsion of nature to make Jack take a bath, and the United States
Army to make him go to work."

CAUTION

Marshall Field, 3rd, according to a story that was going the rounds
several years ago, bids fair to become a very cautious business man when
he grows up. Approaching an old lady in a Lakewood hotel, he said:

"Can you crack nuts?"

"No, dear," the old lady replied. "I lost all my teeth ages ago."

"Then," requested Master Field, extending two hands full of pecans,
"please hold these while I go and get some more."

CHAMPAGNE

MR. HILTON--"Have you opened that bottle of champagne, Bridget?"

BRIDGET--"Faith, I started to open it, an' it began to open itself.
Sure, the mon that filled that bottle must 'av' put in two quarts
instead of wan."

Sir Andrew Clark was Mr. Gladstone's physician, and was known to the
great statesman as a "temperance doctor" who very rarely prescribed
alcohol for his patients. On one occasion he surprised Mr. Gladstone by
recommending him to take some wine. In answer to his illustrious
patient's surprise he said:

"Oh, wine does sometimes help you get through work! For instance, I have
often twenty letters to answer after dinner, and a pint of champagne is
a great help."

"Indeed!" remarked Mr. Gladstone; "does a pint of champagne really help
you to answer the twenty letters?"

"No," Sir Andrew explained; "but when I've had a pint of champagne I
don't care a rap whether I answer them or not."

CHARACTER

The Rev. Charles H. Spurgeon was fond of a joke and his keen wit was,
moreover, based on sterling common sense. One day he remarked to one of
his sons:

"Can you tell me the reason why the lions didn't eat Daniel?"

"No sir. Why was it?"

"Because the most of him was backbone and the rest was grit."

They were trying an Irishman, charged with a petty offense, in an
Oklahoma town, when the judge asked: "Have you any one in court who will
vouch for your good character?"

"Yis, your honor," quickly responded the Celt, "there's the sheriff
there."

Whereupon the sheriff evinced signs of great amazement.

"Why, your honor," declared he, "I don't even know the man."

"Observe, your honor," sa