town?"

"Not far," was the encouraging answer. "Only about two miles."

"Well," sighed an optimistic sergeant, "thank God, we're holdin' our
own, anyhow!"

DIVORCE

"When a woman marries and then divorces her husband inside of a week
what would you call it?"

"Taking his name in vain."--_Princeton Tiger_.

DOGS

LADY (to tramp who had been commissioned to find her lost poodle)--"The
poor little darling, where did you find him?"

TRAMP--"Oh, a man 'ad 'im, miss, tied to a pole, and was cleaning the
windows wiv 'im!"

A family moved from the city to a suburban locality and were told that
they should get a watchdog to guard the premises at night. So they
bought the largest dog that was for sale in the kennels of a neighboring
dog fancier, who was a German. Shortly afterward the house was entered
by burglars who made a good haul, while the big dog slept. The man went
to the dog fancier and told him about it.

"Veil, vat you need now," said the dog merchant, "is a leedle dog to
vake up the big dog."

"Dogs is mighty useful beasts
They might seem bad at first
They might seem worser right along
But when they're dead
They're wurst."

--_Ellis Parker Butler_.

"My dog took first prize at the cat show."

"How was that?"

"He took the cat."--_Judge_.

FAIR VISITOR--"Why are you giving Fido's teeth such a thorough
brushing?"

FOND MISTRESS--"Oh! The poor darling's just bitten some horrid person,
and, really, you know, one can't be too careful."--_Life_.

"Do you know that that bulldog of yours killed my wife's little
harmless, affectionate poodle?"

"Well, what are you going to do about it?"

"Would you be offended if I was to present him with a nice brass
collar?"

Fleshy Miss Muffet
Sat down on Tuffet,
A very good dog in his way;
When she saw what she'd done,
She started to run--
And Tuffet was buried next day.

--_L.T.H_.

William J. Stevens, for several years local station agent at Swansea, R.
I., was peacefully promenading his platform one morning when a rash dog
ventured to snap at one of William's plump legs. Stevens promptly kicked
the animal halfway across the tracks, and was immediately confronted by
the owner, who demanded an explanation in language more forcible than
courteous.

"Why," said Stevens when the other paused for breath, "your dog's mad."

"Mad! Mad! You double-dyed blankety-blank fool, he ain't m