Illinois is out of order."

"How am I out of order?" yelled the man from Illinois.

"Probably a veterinary surgeon could tell you," answered Johnson, and
that was parliamentary enough to stay on the record.

A Georgia Congressman had put up at an American-plan hotel in New York.
When, upon sitting down at dinner the first evening of his stay, the
waiter obsequiously handed him a bill of fare, the Congressman tossed it
aside, slipped the waiter a dollar bill, and said, "Bring me a good
dinner."

The dinner proving satisfactory, the Southern member pursued this plan
during his entire stay in New York. As the last tip was given, he
mentioned that he was about to return to Washington.

Whereupon, the waiter, with an expression of great earnestness, said:

"Well, sir, when you or any of your friends that can't read come to New
York, just ask for Dick."

CONSCIENCE

The moral of this story may be that it is better to heed the warnings of
the "still small voice" before it is driven to the use of the telephone.

A New York lawyer, gazing idly out of his window, saw a sight in an
office across the street that made him rub his eyes and look again. Yes,
there was no doubt about it. The pretty stenographer was sitting upon
the gentleman's lap. The lawyer noticed the name that was lettered on
the window and then searched in the telephone book. Still keeping his
eye upon the scene across the street, he called the gentleman up. In a
few moments he saw him start violently and take down the receiver.

"Yes," said the lawyer through the telephone, "I should think you would
start."

The victim whisked his arm from its former position and began to stammer
something.

"Yes," continued the lawyer severely, "I think you'd better take that
arm away. And while you're about it, as long as there seems to be plenty
of chairs in the room--"

The victim brushed the lady from his lap, rather roughly, it is to be
feared. "Who--who the devil is this, anyhow?" he managed to splutter.

"I," answered the lawyer in deep, impressive tones, "am your
conscience!"

A quiet conscience makes one so serene!
Christians have burnt each other, quite persuaded
That all the Apostles would have done as they did.

--_Byron_.

Oh, Conscience! Conscience! man's most faithful friend,
Him canst thou comfort, ease, relieve, defend;
But if he will thy friendly checks forego,
Thou art, oh! woe for me his deadliest foe!