isn't easy to be anything nowadays. There's
such a lot of beastly competition about. [The sound of an electric bell
is heard.] Ah! that must be Aunt Augusta. Only relatives, or creditors,
ever ring in that Wagnerian manner. Now, if I get her out of the way for
ten minutes, so that you can have an opportunity for proposing to
Gwendolen, may I dine with you to-night at Willis's?

Jack. I suppose so, if you want to.

Algernon. Yes, but you must be serious about it. I hate people who are
not serious about meals. It is so shallow of them.

[Enter Lane.]

Lane. Lady Bracknell and Miss Fairfax.

[Algernon goes forward to meet them. Enter Lady Bracknell and
Gwendolen.]

Lady Bracknell. Good afternoon, dear Algernon, I hope you are behaving
very well.

Algernon. I'm feeling very well, Aunt Augusta.

Lady Bracknell. That's not quite the same thing. In fact the two things
rarely go together. [Sees Jack and bows to him with icy coldness.]

Algernon. [To Gwendolen.] Dear me, you are smart!

Gwendolen. I am always smart! Am I not, Mr. Worthing?

Jack. You're quite perfect, Miss Fairfax.

Gwendolen. Oh! I hope I am not that. It would leave no room for
developments, and I intend to develop in many directions. [Gwendolen and
Jack sit down together in the corner.]

Lady Bracknell. I'm sorry if we are a little late, Algernon, but I was
obliged to call on dear Lady Harbury. I hadn't been there since her poor
husband's death. I never saw a woman so altered; she looks quite twenty
years younger. And now I'll have a cup of tea, and one of those nice
cucumber sandwiches you promised me.

Algernon. Certainly, Aunt Augusta. [Goes over to tea-table.]

Lady Bracknell. Won't you come and sit here, Gwendolen?

Gwendolen. Thanks, mamma, I'm quite comfortable where I am.

Algernon. [Picking up empty plate in horror.] Good heavens! Lane! Why
are there no cucumber sandwiches? I ordered them specially.

Lane. [Gravely.] There were no cucumbers in the market this morning,
sir. I went down twice.

Algernon. No cucumbers!

Lane. No, sir. Not even for ready money.

Algernon. That will do, Lane, thank you.

Lane. Thank you, sir. [Goes out.]

Algernon. I am greatly distressed, Aunt Augusta, about there being no
cucumbers, not even for ready money.

Lady Bracknell. It really makes no matter, Algernon. I had some
crumpets with Lady Harbury, who seems to me to be living entirely for