" replied Mollie, unruffled. "Cose I trus' him, personally--but
not wid ma valuables."

It is necessary to be almost a genius to make a good
husband.--_Balzac_.

Jennie, the colored maid, arrived one morning with her head swathed in
bandages--the result of an argument with her hot-tempered spouse.

"Jennie," said her mistress, "your husband treats you outrageously.
Why don't you leave him?"

"Well, I don' 'zactly wants to leave him."

"Hasn't he dragged you the length of the room by your hair?" demanded
her mistress.

"Yas'm he has done dat."

"Hasn't he choked you into insensibility?"

"Yas'm he sho has choked me."

"And now doesn't he threaten to split your head with an ax?"

"Yas'm he has done all dat," agreed Jennie, "but he ain' done nothin'
yet so bad I couldn't live wid him."

_See also_ Carelessness; Domestic finance.

HYPOCRISY

Hypocrisy will serve as well
To propagate a church, as zeal;
As persecution and promotion
Do equally advance devotion:
So round white stones will serve, they say,
As well as eggs to make hens lay.

--_Samuel Butler_.

There is no vice so simple, but assumes
Some mark of virtue on his outward parts.

--_Shakespeare_.

Thus 'tis with all--their chief and constant care
Is to seem everything but what they are.

--_Goldsmith_.

Dare to be true. Nothing can need a lie;
A fault which needs it most grows two thereby.

--_Herbert_.

HYSTERICS

Father, teaching his six-year-old son arithmetic by giving a problem
to his wife, begs his son to listen:

FATHER--"Mother, if you had a dollar and I gave you five more, what
would you have?"

MOTHER (replying absently)--"Hysterics."

"IF"

_See_ Fords.

IGNORANCE

A professor noted among his students for the caustic wit had in one
of his classes, one year, a young man who was both ignorant and
conceited. One morning he made a specially self-satisfied display of
both these characteristics, and the professor said he would like to
see him at the end of the hour.

When he came up after the lecture, the professor asked: "You are Mr.
Junkins?"

"Yes, sir."

"Have you a visiting card?"

"I--I--yes, sir," stammered the puzzled student.

"Then, Mr. Junkins," the professor said dryly, "write down on your
visiting card all that you know, and bring it to me tomorrow."

ILLUSIONS AND HALLUCINATIONS

Returning home from a scientific