ways begin with 'Once upon a
time'?"

"No, dear, not always; they sometimes begin with 'My love, I have been
detained at the office tonight'"

"William," snapped the dear lady, viciously, "didn't I hear the clock
strike two as you came in?" "You did, my dear. It started to strike
ten, but I stopped it to keep it from waking you up."

"I hear you are going to marry Archie Blueblood?" said one society
woman to another. "Is it true?"

"Marry him?" exclaimed the other. "Not likely. What on earth could I
do with him? He's rejected from the Army, he can't ride, he can't play
tennis, golf, nor, for that matter, can he even drive a motor-car!"

"Oh!" said the friend, "but he can swim beautifully, you know."

"Swim, indeed! Now, I ask you, would you like a husband you had to
keep in an aquarium?"

To observe Washington's birthday, in a fitting manner, a teacher in a
Yonkers school told in detail the life of the first President of the
United States. She emphasized his honesty, sincerity, bravery and
self-reliance. At the close of her discourse, she put this question to
the class:

"What high office in a nation could such a wonderful man fill?"

A flaxen-haired boy of ten, sitting in a rear seat, raised his hand
and blushingly replied: "He'd make a nice husband."

"How's your husband getting along, Mrs. Fogarty?"

"Well, sometimes he's better an' sometimes he's worse, but from the
way he growls an' takes on whin he's better, Oi think he's better whin
he's worse."

SHE--"I wonder why men lie so?"

HE--"Because their wives are so inquisitive."

HUBBY--"I don't believe in parading my virtues."

WIFE--"You couldn't, anyway. It takes quite a number to make a
parade."

"Why do you feed every tramp who comes along? They never do any work
for you."

"No," said his wife, "but it is quite a satisfaction to me to see a
man eat a meal without finding fault with the cooking."

The husband arrived home much later than usual "from the office." He
took off his boots and stole into the bedroom. His wife began to stir.
Quickly the panic-stricken man went to the cradle of his first-born
and began to rock it vigorously.

"What are you doing there, Robert?" queried his wife.

"I've been sitting here for nearly two hours trying to get this baby
to sleep," he growled.

"Why, Robert, I've got him here in bed with me," replied his wife.

A teacher was trying to explain the dangers of overwork to one of the
s