MR. JARVIE--"Tomorrow, Thursday, I've no engagement."

BAILIE--"An' the nixt nicht."

MR. J.--"I'm free then, too."

BAILIE--"An' what will ye be daein on Saturday?"

MR. J.--"On Saturday I dine with the Buchans."

BAILIE--"What a peety! Aa wanted ye to take dinner wi'us on Saturday."

A Quaker had gotten himself into trouble with the authorities and the
sheriff called to escort him to the lock-up.

"Is your husband in?" he inquired of the good wife who came to the
door.

"My husband will see thee," she replied. "Come in."

The sheriff entered, was bidden to make himself at home, and was
hospitably entertained for half an hour, but no husband appeared. At
last the sheriff grew impatient.

"Look here," said he, "I thought you said your husband would see me."

"He has seen thee," was the calm reply, "but he did not like thy looks
and has gone another way."

"My wife thinks we run a hospitable house. What's your notion of a
hospitable house?"

"Oh, for me, I feel that it's a hospitable house when in the come and
go of company enough umbrellas are left to keep it supplied."

HOSPITALS

A German, whose wife was ill at the Seney Hospital, Brooklyn, called
the first evening she was there and inquired how she was getting
along. He was told that she was improving.

Next day he called again, and was told she was still improving. This
went on for some time, each day the report being that his wife was
improving.

Finally one day he called and said:

"How iss my wife?"

"She's dead."

He went out and met a friend, and the friend said:

"Well, how is your wife?"

"She's dead"

"Ooh! How terrible! What did she die of?"

"Improvements!"

HOTEL BIBLES

_Safety_

Once upon a time there lived an elderly millionaire who had four
nephews. Desiring to make one of these his heir, he tested their
cleverness.

He gave to each a $100.00 bill, with the request that they hide the
bills for a year in the city of New York.

Any of them who should succeed in finding the hidden bill at the end
of the year should share in the inheritance.

The year being over, the four nephews brought their reports.

The first, deeply chagrined, told how he had put his bill in the
strongest and surest safe deposit vault, but, alas, clever thieves had
broken in and stolen it.

The second had put his in charge of a tried and true friend. But the
friend has proved untrustworthy and had spent the money.

Th