utside iv a pork bar'l
'd be disqualified f'r th' place. He must live so far fr'm th' sea
that he don't know a capstan bar fr'm a sheet anchor. That puts him in
th' proper position to inspect armor plate f'r th' imminent Carnegie,
an' insthruct admirals that's been cruisin' an' fightin' an' dhrinkin'
mint juleps f'r thirty years. He must know th' difference bechune silo
an' insilage, how to wean a bull calf, an' th' best way to cure a
spavin. If he has that information, he is fixed f'r th' job.

"Whin he wants a good Postmaster-gin-'ral, take ye'er ol' law partner
f'r awhile, an', be th' time he's larned to stick stamps, hist him
out, an' put in a school-teacher fr'm a part iv th' counthry where
people communicate with each other through a conch. Th' Sicrety iv th'
Interior is an important man. If possible, he ought to come fr'm Maine
or Florida. At anny rate, he must be a resident iv an Atlantic
seacoast town, an' niver been west iv Cohoes. If he gets th' idee
there are anny white people in Ann Arbor or Columbus, he loses his
job.

"Th' last place on th' list is Sicrety iv Agriculture. A good, lively
business man that was born in th' First Ward an' moved to th'
Twinty-foorth after th' fire is best suited to this office. Thin he'll
have no prejudices against sindin' a farmer cactus seeds whin he's
on'y lookin' f'r wheat, an' he will have a proper understandin' iv th'
importance iv an' early Agricultural Bureau rayport to th'
bucket-shops.

"No Prisident can go far away that follows Cleveland's cabinet
appintmints, although it may be hard f'r Mack, bein' new at th'
business, to select th' right man f'r th' wrong place. But I'm sure
he'll be advised be his frinds, an' fr'm th' lists iv candydates I've
seen he'll have no throuble in findin' timber."

OLD AGE.

"Skatin'," said Mr. Dooley, "was intinded f'r th' young an' gay. 'Tis
not f'r th' likes iv me, now that age has crept into me bones an'
whitened th' head iv me. Divvle take th' rheumatics! An' to think iv
me twinty years ago cuttin' capers like a bally dancer, whin th'
Desplaines backed up an' th' pee-raires was covered with ice fr'm th'
mills to Riverside. Manny's th' time I done th' thrick, Jawn, me an'
th' others; but now I break me back broachin' a kag iv beer, an' th'
height iv me daily exercise is to wind th' clock befure turnin' in,
an' count up th' cash."

"You haven't been trying to skate?" Mr. McKenna asked in tones of
alarm.

"Not me," s