iv a hero
standin' up befure thousan's iv men with fam'lies an' bein' assaulted
be ondacint females. It med me blush down to th' soles iv me feet. If
they let this thing go on, be hivins, why do they stop th'
hootchy-kootchy?"

"Ividinces iv affection is always odjious to an Irishman," said Mr.
Dooley, "an' to all reel affectionate people. But me frind Hobson's
not to blame. 'Tis th' way th' good Lord has iv makin' us cow'rds
continted with our lot that he niver med a brave man yet that wasn't
half a fool. I've more sinse an' wisdom in th' back iv me thumb thin
all th' heroes in th' wurruld. That's why I ain't a hero. If Hobson
had intilligence, he'd be wurrukin' in th' post-office; an', if anny
ol' hin thried to kiss him, he'd call f'r th' polis. Bein' young an'
foolish, whin me frind Sampson says, 'Is there anny man here that 'll
take this ol' coal barge in beyant an' sink it, an' save us th'
throuble iv dhrownin' on our way home?' Loot Hobson says, says he:
'Here I am, Cap,' says he. 'I'll take it in,' he says, 'an' seal up
th' hated Castiles,' he says, 'so that they can niver get out,' he
says. 'But,' he says, 'I'll lave a hole f'r thim to get out whin they
want to get out,' he says. An' he tuk some other la-ads,--I f'rget
their names,--they wasn't heroes, annyhow, but was wurrukin' be th'
day; an' he wint in in his undherclothes, so's not to spoil his suit,
an' th' Castiles hurled death an' desthruction on him. An' it niver
touched him no more thin it did anny wan else; an' thin they riscued
him fr'm himsilf, an' locked him up in th' polis station an' fed him
th' best they knew how. An' he wint on a lecther tour, an' here he is.
Be hivins, I think he's more iv a hero now thin iver he was. I'd stand
up befure a cross-eyed Spanish gunner an' take his shootin' without a
mask mesilf; but I'd shy hard if anny ol' heifer come up, an' thried
to kiss me.

"On th' flure iv th' 'Merrimac,' in his light undherclothes, Loot
Hobson was a sthrong, foolish man. On th' stage iv th' Audjitooroom,
bein' caressed be women that 'd kiss th' Indyun in front iv a see-gar
sthore, if he didn't carry a tommyhawk, he's still foolish, but not
sthrong. 'Tis so with all heroes. Napolyeon Bonyparte, th' Impror iv
th' Fr-rinch, had manny carryin's on, I've heerd tell; an' ivry man
knows that, whin Jawn Sullivan wasn't in th' r-ring, he was no
incyclopedja f'r intelligence. No wan thried to kiss him, though. They
knew betther.

"An' Hobson 'l