et, an' you, me
gin'rous confreres iv th' wurruld's press, I come fr'm a land where
injustice is unknown, where ivry man is akel befure th' law, but some
are betther thin others behind it, where th' accused always has a fair
thrile ayether,' I says, 'in th' criminal coort or at th' coroner's
inquest,' I says. 'I have just been in another counthry where such
conduct as we've witnessed here wud be unknown at a second thrile,' I
says, 'because they have no second thriles,' I says. 'We Anglo-Saxons
ar-re th' salt iv th' earth, an' don't ye f'rget it, boys. All our
affairs ar-re in ordher. We convict no innocent men an' very few
guilty wans, perjury is unknown amongst us, we have no military
scandals, an' our private life is beyond rebuke. So we have th' time
an' th' inclination to study th' vile offences iv our neighbors, an'
give thim advice free iv cost. An' that is why I'm here to-day in this
degraded counthry to tell ye what's th' matther with ye an' what ye
ought to do.

"'An' this is me opinyon: I don't think Cap. Dhryfuss wr-rote th'
borderoo. I think he was th' on'y man in Fr-rance that didn't. But I
ain't got as high an opinyon iv th' Cap as I had. I ain't no purity
brigade; but, th' older I get, th' more I think wan wife's enough f'r
anny man, an' too manny f'r some. They was a time, Cap, whin 'twas
seryously thought iv takin' ye fr'm th' Divvle's Own Island an' makin'
ye prisident iv th' Women's Rescue League. But I'm afraid, Cap, ye're
disqualified f'r that position be what we've heard fr'm ye'er own lips
durin th' thrile. Ye lost a good job. Thin there ar-re some other
things about ye I don't undherstand. I can't make out what ye meant be
pretindin' to go to It'ly an' doublin' back into Germany; an' I wish
f'r me own peace iv mind all ye'er explanations 'd mate. But, sure, if
ivry man that was too free with his affections was to be sint to th'
Divvle's Own Island, they'd have to build an intinsion to that
far-famed winther resort. An' if suspicyous actions was proof iv
guilt, mong colonel, ye'd have th' mimbers iv th' gin'ral staff
sthrung up in as manny cages as ye see at th' Zoo-illogical Gardens
[laughter an' cries iv 'Veev Dooley!']

"'Th' throuble is, mong colonel, lady an' gintlemen, that it ain't
been Cap Dhryfuss that's been on thrile, but th' honor iv th' nation
an' th' honor iv th' ar-rmy. If 'twas th' Cap that was charged, ye'd
say to him, "Cap, we haven't anny proof again ye; but we don't like
ye