ve been
quarreling ever since. A world war and a world peace are much too big
jobs for any set of human heads.

* * *

ACADEMY NOTES.

Sir: If there is a school of expression connected with the Academy I
nominate for head of it Elizabeth Letzkuss, principal of the Greene
school, Chicago.

Calcitrosus.

Members of the Academy will be pleased to know that their
fellow-Immortal, Mr. Gus Wog, was elected in North Dakota.

We regret to learn that one of our Immortals, Mr. Tinder Tweed, of
Harlan, Ky., has been indicted for shooting on the highway.

* * *

TO MARY GARDEN--WITH A POSTSCRIPT.

So wonderful your art, if you preferred
Drayma to opry, you'd be all the mustard;
For you (ecstatic pressmen have averred)
Have Sarah Bernhardt larruped to a custard.

So marvelous your voice, too, if you cared
With turns and trills and tra-la-las to dazzle,
You'd have (enraptured critics have declared)
All other singers beaten to a frazzle.

So eloquent your legs, were it your whim
To caper nimbly in a classic measure,
Terpsichore (entranced reviewers hymn)
Would swoon upon her lyre for very pleasure.

If there be aught you _cannot_ do, 'twould seem
The world has yet that something to discover.
One has to hand it to you. You're a scream.
And 'tis a joy to watch you put it over.

_Postscriptum._

If there be any test you can't survive,
The present test will mean your crucifying;
But I am laying odds of eight to five
That you'll come thro' with all your colors flying.

* * *

It is chiefly a matter of temperament. And more impudence and assurance
is required to crack a safe or burglarize a dwelling than to cancel a
shipment of goods in order to avoid a loss; but one is as honest a deed
as the other. Or it would be better to say that one is as poor policy as
the other. For it is not claimed that man is an honest animal; it is
merely agreed that honesty profits him most in the long run.

* * *

ACADEMY JOTTINGS.

J. P. W.: "I present Roley Akers of Boone, Ia., as director of the
back-to-the-farm movement."

C. M. V.: "For librarian to the Immortals I nominate Mrs. Bessie Hermann
Twaddle, who has resigned a similar position in Tulare county,
California."

* * *

This world cannot be operated on a sentimental basis. The expe