nk, have
happened to the most affectionate and united of brothers--was a less
misery than would have been such a meeting followed by such a parting.
Now, if you can, though I, whom you always regarded as a brave man,
cannot do so, rouse yourself and collect your energies in view of any
contest you may have to confront. I hope, if my hope has anything to go
upon, that your own spotless character and the love of your fellow
citizens, and even remorse for my treatment, may prove a certain
protection to you. But if it turns out that you are free from personal
danger, you will doubtless do whatever you think can be done for me. In
that matter, indeed, many write to me at great length and declare that
they have hopes; but I personally cannot see what hope there is, since
my enemies have the greatest influence, while my friends have in some
cases deserted, in others even betrayed me, fearing perhaps in my
restoration a censure on their own treacherous conduct. But how matters
stand with you I would have you ascertain and report to me. In any case
I shall continue to live as long as you shall need me, in view of any
danger you may have to undergo: longer than that I cannot go on in this
kind of life. For there is neither wisdom nor philosophy with sufficient
strength to sustain such a weight of grief. I know that there has been a
time for dying, more honourable and more advantageous; and this is not
the only one of my many omissions, which, if I should choose to bewail,
I should merely be increasing your sorrow and emphasizing my own
stupidity. But one thing I am not bound to do, and it is in fact
impossible--remain in a life so wretched and so dishonoured any longer
than your necessities, or some well-grounded hope, shall demand. For I,
who was lately supremely blessed in brother, children, wife, wealth, and
in the very nature of that wealth, while in position, influence,
reputation, and popularity, I was inferior to none, however
distinguished--I cannot, I repeat, go on longer lamenting over myself
and those dear to me in a life of such humiliation as this, and in a
state of such utter ruin. Wherefore, what do you mean by writing to me
about negotiating a bill of exchange? As though I were not now wholly
dependent on your means! And that is just the very thing in which I see
and feel, to my misery, of what a culpable act I have been guilty in
squandering to no purpose the money which I received from the treasury
in your name,[