remembers to have heard. The speaker was a famous engineer, the
occasion a dinner of the British Association for the Advancement of
Science. "He came last; and midnight had arrived. His toast was Applied
Science, and his speech was as follows: 'Ladies and gentlemen, at this
late hour I advise you to illustrate the Applications of Science by
applying a lucifer match to the wick of your bedroom candle. Let us all
go to bed'."

If you are capable of making a similar sacrifice by cutting short your
own carefully-prepared, wise, witty and sparkling remarks, your audience
will thank you--and they may ask you to speak again.

TOASTER'S HANDBOOK

ABILITY

"Pa," said little Joe, "I bet I can do something you can't."

"Well, what is it?" demanded his pa.

"Grow," replied the youngster triumphantly.--_H.E. Zimmerman_.

ABOLITION

He was a New Yorker visiting in a South Carolina village and he
sauntered up to a native sitting in front of the general store, and
began a conversation.

"Have you heard about the new manner in which the planters are going to
pick their cotton this season?" he inquired.

"Don't believe I have," answered the other.

"Well, they have decided to import a lot of monkeys to do the picking,"
rejoined the New Yorker. "Monkeys learn readily. They are thorough
workers, and obviously they will save their employers a small fortune
otherwise expended in wages."

"Yes," ejaculated the native, "and about the time this monkey brigade is
beginning to work smoothly, a lot of you fool northerners will come
tearing down here and set 'em free."

ABSENT-MINDEDNESS

SHE--"I consider, John, that sheep are the stupidest creatures living."

HE--(_absent-mindedly_)--"Yes, my lamb."

ACCIDENTS

The late Dr. Henry Thayer, founder of Thayer's Laboratory in Cambridge,
was walking along a street one winter morning. The sidewalk was sheeted
with ice and the doctor was making his way carefully, as was also a
woman going in the opposite direction. In seeking to avoid each other,
both slipped and they came down in a heap. The polite doctor was
overwhelmed and his embarrassment paralyzed his speech, but the woman
was equal to the occasion.

"Doctor, if you will be kind enough to rise and pick out your legs, I
will take what remains," she said cheerfully.

"Help! Help!" cried an Italian laborer near the mud flats of the Harlem
river.

"What's the matter there?" came a voice