_N.B._ MR. JONES'S _skin is extremely sensitive; he must not remove his
hands from the Table, and for 35 agonising minutes a wretched fly makes
a promenade of his face_.]

* * * * *

THE MILESTONE TREADMILL.

How to find fit work for convicts--work that shall at the same time be
serviceable to the Public, and shall not take the bread out of the
mouths of honest men--is a question that nobody has yet answered.
Profound philosophers have sometimes got very near to the discovery of
the quadrature of the circle, perpetual motion, the transmutation of
metals, the elixir of life, the crystallisation of carbon, the
longitude. They have almost succeeded; all but solved the problem; when,
just on the verge of the accomplishment of the great work, they find all
their profound calculations upset by some petty, superficial obstacle
which they had overlooked. Precisely thus had we nearly attained to the
invention of a proper employment for convicted thieves: just so were we
confounded on the brink of success by a stumbling-block, which has
tripped us up and flung us back again heels over head, alighting,
however, on the former, as we always do.

A communication in the _Civil Service Gazette_ states the case of a
letter-carrier, in the Derby district, who has to walk above 20 miles a
day, and deliver letters at eleven villages. This amount of walking
exercise, allowing 15 minutes for delivery at each village, and 25
minutes for refreshment, the writer calculates to be 8 miles an hour for
21/2 hours. It reads like an achievement of running a fabulous distance
and picking up an incredible number of stones with the mouth. That a man
might match himself to attempt such a feat of pedestrianism for a
limited period and high stakes is conceivable: but this one does it
daily for 11s. Of course he has sent in his resignation; no free agent
could continue to do such work on such terms. Only eleven shillings for
all this hard labour!

Hard labour. These two words are brilliantly suggestive--seem to flash
upon us the settlement of the convict employment question. Hard
labour--occupation toilsome and unremunerative; at the same time useful:
just the proper occupation for criminals. Rig out all our rogues and
thieves in blue and scarlet, turn them into postmen, and give them six
months, or upwards, of 8 miles an hour for several hours daily
letter-carrying. MERCURY in Windsor uniform; messenger and thief in on