e officer.

"Then spake to yer equals. I'm the captain o' this!" came from the
barge.

ERMINE

Said an envious, erudite ermine:
"There's one thing I cannot determine:
When a man wears my coat,
He's a person of note,
While I'm but a species of vermin!"

ESCAPES

There was once a chap who went skating too early and all of a sudden
that afternoon loud cries for help began to echo among the bleak hills
that surrounded the skating pond.

A farmer, cobbling his boots before his kitchen fire heard the shouts
and yells, and ran to the pond at break-neck speed. He saw a large
black hole in the ice, and a pale young fellow stood with chattering
teeth shoulder-deep in the cold water.

The farmer laid a board on the thin ice and crawled out on it to the
edge of the hole. Then, extending his hand, he said:

"Here, come over this way, and I'll lift you out."

"No, I can't swim," was the impatient reply. "Throw a rope to me. Hurry
up. It's cold in here."

"I ain't got no rope," said the farmer; and he added angrily. "What if
you can't swim you can wade, I guess! The water's only up to your
shoulders."

"Up to my shoulders?" said the young fellow. "It's eight feet deep if
it's an inch. I'm standing on the blasted fat man who broke the ice!"

ETHICS

My ethical state,
Were I wealthy and great,
Is a subject you wish I'd reply on.
Now who can foresee
What his morals _might_ be?
What would yours be if you were a lion?

--_Martial; tr. by Paul Nixon_.

ETIQUET

A Boston girl the other day said to a southern friend who was visiting
her, as two men rose in a car to give them seats: "Oh, I wish they would
not do it."

"Why not? I think it is very nice of them," said her friend, settling
herself comfortably.

"Yes, but one can't thank them, you know, and it is so awkward."

"Can't thank them! Why not?"

"Why, you would not speak to a strange man, would you?" said the Boston
maiden, to the astonishment of her southern friend.

A little girl on the train to Pittsburgh was chewing gum. Not only that,
but she insisted on pulling it out in long strings and letting it fall
back into her mouth again.

"Mabel!" said her mother in a horrified whisper. "Mabel, don't do that.
Chew your gum like a little lady."

LITTLE BROTHER--"What's etiquet?"

LITTLE BIGGER BROTHER--"It's saying 'No, thank you,' when you want to
holler 'Gimme!'"--_Judge